Especially because his name’s Steve.
There haven't been any posts all year! australia squad
He doesn't like to be spotted.
… because you’ve taken my breath away.
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
…but Quasimodo has a hunch.
…but that’s the highest form of flattery.
You should've seen his reaction…
It's for a work email so it needs to sound professional.
It weighed won ton.
When I called from my buddies phone she answered “hey love”. She already knew it was me.
No text found
Beethoven's final movement
They kind of fell off.
She said, “Thanks dad, that means a great deal.”
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
It makes my day
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.
"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar." In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?" "No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve" The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye – and bites it. The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose. The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90. The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?" The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".
It’s really time consuming.
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, “How was I born?”His mother awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.”“Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were you and Daddy born?”“Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.”The boy begins his paper, “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…