Apparently, \”marriage is terrible\” never gets old.
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
I told her I already Reddit.
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?” The kid says, “I wanna get laid!” The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.” “But I wanna get laid.” The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, go find a tree with a hole in it and practice.” Ten years later, the kid knocks again on the door. The Madam recognizes him instantly, “Kid! You’re back!” The kid says, “You said wait ten years, so I did.” Did you practice on the tree like I told you?” “Yes ma’am, I did!” The Madam is so impressed that she walks him upstairs to the best lady in the house. As the lady undresses, the kid walks over to the closet, grabs a broom, and starts whacking the prostitute. The lady screams, “What are you doing kid?” “Checking for squirrels.”
Because he is an absolute unit.
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Because attachments are forbidden
On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital. Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery. After many hours of waiting, the surgeon finally comes to speak with him. “Mr. Smith, I’ve got some bad news for you. Your wife has been paralyzed from the neck down. She will be unable to perform even the most basic functions as a human being. You will have to feed her, bathe her, change her clothes, clean up her stool, and take her to many, many appointments for the rest of her life. This will be a true test of your love for this woman.” Upon hearing this news, Mr. Smith breaks down and starts sobbing uncontrollably. Just then, the surgeon smiles and pats him on the back. “Relax Mr. Smith. I was just fucking with ya….she’s dead.”
but you didn't like it.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I have a father figure
A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway and asks, “Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?”
On which the miner replies, "mine".
Smoking bacon cures it
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.
The three men had always done everything together!!!!! Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.” The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body. Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.” The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.” “What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician. Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”
Guess who came crawling back.
He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures
They're really down to Earth.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.
But they only became more sluggish
I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!” “I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
It's all in the delivery
It becomes a shooting star.