Why?
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy ?
Add Spring Water
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
Someone broke into my house and stole my anti depression pills
I hope they're happy
I’m trying to form a really good pun about yoga, but it isn’t working out.
I know, it was a stretch.
Why don’t cows jump over electric fences?
It would be an udder disaster
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
I hate when people ask me where i see myself in 1 year
I don’t know I don’t have 2020 vision
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
A movie with a 3.14 rating is a pirated movie.
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Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
I have the opposite of an amputee fetish.
I am lack toes intolerant.
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer?
All that time, and nothing to chauffeur it…
What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth?
The front row at a Trump rally.
#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus.
I saw a homeless guy living in a tyre. I did him a favour and punctured it.
Now he's living in a flat
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs
If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it?
In Google Docs.
How did the vegan start eating meat?
Cold turkey.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I asked, "Who is this guy?" My grandfather said, "He's my hip replacement."
What do you call a sunburnt Irishman?
A baked potato.
Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?
They use their Endor voices.
This sub is not meant for memes
This sub was and still is for boomer comics, things that boomers find funny, or straight up boomer garbage. I’ve noticed that many people are posting memes about boomer humor, which isn’t what this sub is for. Thank you
THIS is what I saw when I turned on my computer today… What year is it again?
https://ift.tt/2qaiYuH
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists, but mine…
…is just a little pail in comparison.
Sharks have a party in the toilet
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A wife yells at her husband
Wife: "How could you do this to me?!" Husband : "what did I do?" Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!" Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?" Wife: "The fucking autopsy."
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
Crying should give you better skin.
Because when you cry, you moist your eyes.