why
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Whenever I eat burnt toast it makes me feel sick.
I guess I’m just black toast intolerant.
What’s the difference between a constipated owl & a blind sniper?
One hoots but can’t shit, and one shoots but can’t hit
Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark. Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.
Just want to let you know You all matter
Unless you multiply yourself by the spped of light squared then you Energy
I just poked myself in the eye.
I can’t see myself doing that again any time soon.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention
We were better than The Cure.
My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live…
So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!
What do chemists do with the dead?
They Barium
I have a confession to make, I was addicted to soap.
But I’m clean now.
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?
You don't know what you're missing!
Most people know that Sin City is Vegas… But do they know what Den City is?
Mass divided by volume
Why should you never tell a secret in the country?
The potatoes have eyes The corn has ears And the beans are all stalkers
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl
You don't turn your back on family
A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway and asks, “Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?”
On which the miner replies, "mine".
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot
When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
The first rule of Alzheimer’s Club is.
No text found
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
Kobe Bryant’s death was an important and historic occasion.
It marked the first time he's passed in years.
Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?
Now it is Times New Ramen
Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George’s hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.
An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room. Inside the room were two chairs. "Now sit down in these chairs," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says we should sit down in these chairs," replied George. So George and Ted sat down in the chairs. The photographer pulled out her camera and pointed it at the birthday brothers. "Now let me focus," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to focus," replied George. "Wow!" exclaimed Ted. "Both of us at the same time?"
I got the words “jacuzzi” and ” yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Presidents
Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents: – We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits – saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud … – Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, but you know, everybody! – Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little … we swear at Trump, but in a whisper … we throw at him … but in front of our TVs … – Well, I exaggerated a bit as well … We really urinate, but we don't put our pants down … [Now: not a native speaker, so mistakes should be overlooked, of course, I hope it's not a repost]
Balls..
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Politeness is key
A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man. She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born. So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly "Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank-you." She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby! The woman continued to wait for her newborn, and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months and years passed, the baby never came! Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body. They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other: "You go first!" "No, you go first!"
A muslim woman is getting arrested
The police officer handcuffs her “You have the right to remain silent” he says. She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior. “Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Something a climate denier told me
I dont know if this goes here but I think you all would find it funny.I was talking to a cousin about climate change (he claims its a hoax and that it is happening, but says not because of humans, in the same conversation). He said something that I just cant understand he said”if a fact CANNOT be disputed than it is not a fact.”Last time I checked facts where facts because they could not be disputed.
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent