why
My wife said she was kicking me out of the house if I didn’t stop singing Christmas songs…
I pleaded, “But baby, it’s cold outside.”
Ah yes, a completely binary affaire with no place for nuance or individualism.
https://ift.tt/2RmNRad
A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store…
..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldnt you answer that guy’s question?” The clerk answers, “D-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get m-m-m-m-m-y ass k-k-k-icked?!!”
Some crocodiles decided to get together and sing parody songs.
It's a pun-croc band.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”
I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
A higgs boson particle goes into a church…
…and the preacher says, “higgs boson aren’t allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, sacrilege!!” …to which the higgs boson particle replies “if you don’t allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?”
My doctor said I was going deaf.
Haven't heard from him since.
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I ain't never been caught in a traffic jelly. Slaps knee
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
I went as a Dad Joke for Halloween.
Iron Man. https://imgur.com/a/3eNDlNZ
I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..
He said yeah but it’s rare.
It shouldn’t be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump
It's always darkest before Don
I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer.
And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.
That’s a lot to digest.
Politicians are like sperm
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
How do you know a redditor has left a hotel?
Username checks out
My daughter asked me what the opposite of isolate is.
I told her yousoearly
DJT: We need free speech on college campuses. For conservatives. Who won’t boo me.
https://ift.tt/2K2Mtps
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
Do you know why Superman is the king of all thieves?
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than
Blue and Yellow combined
3 dogs walk into a bar ..
The first dog, a big dog, walks to the bar and asks for 3 frothy beers. The barman is stunned and exclaims "What!? A talking dog! I can't believe it!" The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Huey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat. 15 minutes later the second dog, an even bigger dog, approaches the bar and orders 3 frothy beers. "You're kidding me! Another talking dog!?". The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Duey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat. 15 minutes later the third dog approaches the bar. The barman excitedly asks "Let me guess, your name is Luey and you do regular dog things too?" "No." the dog replied, "My name is Socks and I've had a terrible day .. just get the fucking beers."
Why are dad jokes like sex?
Because hearing someone else groan means you are doing a good job.
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics.
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
My son just asked me, “Can we pick my friend up?”
Me: I dunno. How heavy is she? Son: In a car dad This happened only moments ago. You can't just softball 'em in like that, son.
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she’s in love with me.
What do you call a ship captain with a big booty?
"Thicc" with seven C's.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..
What a bunch of sick fucks
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts, but it was really a lack of Control. I see this as a fresh Start, I thought I would never Escape.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work. (I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)
The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.