why 9 year olds
Pink Panther’s to do list
To do To do To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo
I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
While most puns make me feel numb,
mathematics puns make me feel number.
What do Egyptians do if they have a sore back?
Go see a Cairo-practor.
When you hire entry-level developers to build a production app because you’re that cheap!
https://ift.tt/2TIj5tG
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
Why are gay people always smiling?
Because they can’t keep a straight face.
I drew a graph of all my previous relationships.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis. . Credit to /u/Viewedaskew on /r/jokes
[NSFW] I once knew a man who was born with no eyelids. They used his foreskin to make new ones.
You could say he was a bit cockeyed!
What happend before the crowbar was invented?
Crows had to drink at home.
I mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” with “Yakuza”…
…Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
I’ve recently been asking people what LGBTQ means
No ones been able to give me a straight answer yet
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Four engineers get into a car. the car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says : "its a broken starter" The electrical engineer : "dead battery" The chemical engineer: "impurities in the gasoline" The IT engineer: "Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
The Mexicans are upset about Trump’s wall.
But they’ll get over it
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
“Doc, I think I have ADHD. I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”
Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works. “But I keep losing my Focus!”
What is the best Donald Trump joke you’ve heard?
Don’t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes: Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet) So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building. Security stops him and says,
There are no firearms allowed in this building.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer
What do you call a seizing cow?
Beef jerky.
An Englishman, an American and a Scotsman wander in the desert
After a long while they encounter a huge wall. They try to go around it, over it, but the wall is too high and too long. Out of nowhere, a genie appears. The genie sais: "You must all tell a lie in order to break this wall. The greater the lie, the greater the damage. But beware, each one of you only has one try." The men sink into deep thinking state. After hours of thinking, the Englishman begins: "Us, the english gentlemen, never drink tea with milk." The wall cracks. The American adds: "Us, the american gentlemen never smoke stogies after a hard day of work." Again, the wall cracks. Now all left up to the Scotsman, he takes a deep breath and starts: "Us, the scottish gentlemen-" The wall shatters.
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
A Man has been Stealing the tires of Police cars..
Police are working Tirelessly to catch him.
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
Someone just called me emotionless
I don't know how to feel about it
Every room’s gotta have door,
and that's where I come in.
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Why did the latino man go to the therapist?
To talk about hispanic attacks.
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
A man decides to buy a parrot
A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot. The clerk responds, "ah exellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000." Startled the man remarks that this seams like a high price for a bird. "Well you see this is a special parrot, it can answer the phone and make appointments for you." The man is very impressed by this but decides to look at the other two as well. "This one here goes for $20,000 since it is excellent at sales and will actually make money for you." Astounded at the skills of these birds the man can hardly wait to find out about the final parrot. "Lastly this parrot is priced at $50,000." The man is practically knocked over by this outlandish price and asks what it does that could possibly make it worth so much money. "I don't know but the other two call it boss."
Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?" Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger
My friend Jay recently had twins, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
