Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because it’s Tuesday.
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius. Because I'm not dead.
I cannot eat shrimp, lobsters and clams that have been cooked by heated water vapor….
I have shellfish steamed issues.
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
A man comes to the doctor and says, “m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter.”
The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick. He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?" The doctor replies… "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."
My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
CSI Alabama was a failure . . .
. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
When I see lovers’ nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere
Courtesy of whoever did this originally. I saw the question, and I took the chance.
https://ift.tt/33R4FtB
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They're… hill areas.
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
My prepositions teacher died.
Rest on peace.
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
My therapist warned me that I am getting addicted to downhill skiing.
She said, “It’s a slippery slope.”
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels
She didn't know I existed
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
My dad knew I wanted an Apple Watch…he delivered!
https://i.imgur.com/9IrzGtD.jpg
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
What do you call a mouse that swears
A cursor
So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
![ITS INDESTRUCTABLE!!!! [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/mqitq2lixh441-400x400.jpg)
My grandpa (age 92) told me this joke.
"I'm getting so old that I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning… And I have oatmeal every morning."
