Why are chicken jokes so hard?

A poor Irish family lives on a farm…
A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income. One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead. "There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself. The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground. "I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun. The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead. "I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself. The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead. "Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky. Poof! A female leprechaun appears. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies. The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies. The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?" The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold. The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?" She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion." The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?" She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland." The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?" "What do you mean?" says the leprechaun. "The cow didn't."
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
How do you turn a boat into a hat?
Just turn it over, and now it's capsized!
My daughter came home from school screaming at me
"I’ve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!" I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
Picky eater results in epic dad joke from my daughter…
My middle child, who loves rice, declined the yellow rice we offered him because apparently he only likes one type of rice. Without missing a beat my daughter (11 y/o) exclaimed, "stop being rice-ist." My job is done, clearly there is no more I can teach her.
Dave was bragging to his boss
One day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
I always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir, We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices. Sincerely, Your ISP
So a doctor has sex with one of his patients…
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
I dared a guy to fill up his piggy bank with one penny every year for one hundred years.
He said he wouldn’t do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
a book just fell on my head…
i've only got my shelf to blame….
Me, at the hot dog stand: Can I get a jumbo sausage?
Hot dog guy: Sure. Won’t be long. Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
To the person who stole my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy now.
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen
A man goes to the doctor and says, “I’ve got a tapeworm.”
"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it." The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie." The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later with a banana and a cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. "What the hell are you doing?" the man asks. "Trust me," says the doctor. The man, a little distressed, does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and then a couple of minutes later shoves the cookie up as well. "Come back in a week with another banana and cookie." The man is unsure about the treatment but, again, has tried everything else and wants to get rid of this tapeworm. The next week he returns with another banana and cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. After 3 weeks of this the doctor says, "OK, next week will be your final treatment. Bring me a banana and a hammer." The man comes back with the requested items. "Drop your pants and bend over the table." Trembling, knowing what's coming, the man does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and waits… and waits… and waits… Eventually, the tapeworm sticks its head out and yells, "Where's my cookie?" And the doctor smashes it with the hammer.
Why did the marshmallow cross the road?
Because he knew there was S'more to life
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived on the Bay they’d be bagels
I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.
And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
What does a house wear
Adress
A child asked his father “Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?”
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life
I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting one etc and I'm like "Yeah, it's pretty good." trying to play it cool because I don't wanna give away that there's no way I could even afford one if I wanted to. But then after a while, his comments start becoming personal, first complimenting my shoes and calling me a 'strapping young lad'. Now I'm quite weirded out but figure he's just new at sales and really bad at it. But then I realised he's not a staff member, that he doesn't work there. So now I'm fully freaked out, this guy just came up to me and all up in my personal space, so I try to ignore him (but not trying to be subtle about it). I turn away, and get this, he sort of grabs my arm to turn me back and gives it a little squeeze and says something along the lines of "Ooh, you been hitting the gym yeah?". I turn to look at him and say "Excuse me, do not touch me" and quickly leave. This guy catches up to me all apologetic, saying how sorry he is and he didn't realise he was annoying me and that. And as I'm about to say "Yeah okay fine whatever", he says "Listen, here's the thing. If you give me a blowjob, I will give you this new iPhone XS" and pulls out this new iPhone, box fresh. I was flabbergasted. I genuinely thought I'd misheard him, so had to clarify and said "What? You want me to suck you off for a phone? Really?!" And he smiled and nodded. Some people are fucking disgusting. Makes me sick. Sent from my iPhone.
Rest in peace, boiling water.
You will be mist.
I saw a theatre production about puns recently
It was a play on words
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person…
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son. Wife : Actually, I'm holding my son. Kidnapper : [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&Js?! Wife : oh god. Kidnapper : what? Wife : you have my husband.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce unionized.
A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony…
…of my ribbon-repair business yesterday…
You know what’s really boring?
Digging giant tunnels underground.
A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’.
I said, “Great! I’ll pick you up tomorrow!”
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk. Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window." Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. " Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
Nobody gave me a straight answer
My new pencil can write UNDERWATER
it can write other words too
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
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