Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off
Just a joke lol please don't kill me with the downvotes
Commenting Code Be Like
Just. Like. That.
Easy party hacks..
Aged like milk
Recursion go brrrr
This guy is objectifying women
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
World ending AI.
Trump and time travel
The reality of Christmas…
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th July
But not Fire. Fire works
He be hittin that
An acid’s hydrogen atom when mixed in water
Over/ Under on this one……
What do you do if you break your leg in two places?
Never, EVER go back to those two places.
Requiescat in pace.
Linux Out Of Context
So a guy and his gf are making out
and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad. After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings. “Oh shit, I have an important package coming, I have to get the door. I can’t wipe this blood off my face fast enough!” said the guy. The gf tells him, “it’s ok, just tell the guy you were eating a jelly sandwich and didn’t have time to wipe your face.” So the guy goes and opens the door to sign the package from the mailman but notices the mailman staring at him awkwardly. “Oh this red stuff around my mouth is from my jelly sandwich, sorry about that.” says the guy. The mailman, slightly confused, says “Ohhhh… so is that peanut butter on your forehead?”
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom”.
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
Boomer shit + 5G meme? They’re evolving
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.
A movie with a 3.14 rating is a pirated movie.
No text found
He did the math
Upgrades to lethality are coming next
“Becoming a professional youtuber, he is”
Found on me_irl
When a mouse is stronger than everything else in your life
I wish… Bubble wrap is choice entertainmet. 👌
Woman walks into a gun store.
"It's for my husband" she tells the owner. "Did he tell you what caliber to get"?, the owner asked. "Are you kidding, he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him"
Recursive code made wrong
This TV advertisement.
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was Motherfucking Gold.
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?” I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.
Conservation of slap
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
My new girlfriend just told me what her fetish is, but I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends.
But I better get this shit off my chest.
The impeachment of Trump will be a stain on his legacy
Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.
Finally we have a name
Big fan of the early work
A new Tesla doesn’t come with the new car smell…
It comes with an Elon Musk.
Q. Why do elephants paint their toes? (some more elephant jokes)
A. So they can hide in fruit trees? Q. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a fruit tree? A. Of course not, they're too good at it. Q. How do elephants get in to fruit trees? A. They parachute in. Q. How do you tell if an elephant is hiding in a fruit tree? A. Tickle the fruit and see if it laughs. Q. Why should you never walk through the forest on Thursdays between 2 and 4 PM? A. That's when the elephants are practicing their parachuting. Q. Why does the orangutan have a flat face? A. He ate some fruit without tickling it first. Q. Why does the beaver have a flat tail? A. Because he walked through the forest on Thursday between 2 and 4 PM. u/kickypie's hippo joke reminded me of these (https://www.reddit.com/r/cleanjokes/comments/djwf9o/why_cant_you_see_hippopotamus_hiding_in_trees/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
The FBI had an open position for an assassin
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
S.Q.L > Sequel
Why couldn’t the keyboard sleep?
Because it has 2 shifts.
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.
That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
that variable was never assigned value to anyway~
I ate a clock today.
It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that dogs cannot get Covid-19. Dogs can be released from quarantine.
So now we know “WHO let the dogs out"
Bernie Sanders desperately scrambling to cover up newest breaking scandal
My interviewer asked if I could preform under pressure.
I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody
A college girl finds out she’s pregnant….
She doesn't know who the father is, so she goes to every dude on the campus she recently had sex with, tells them "I'm pregnant." Luckily the guy was found when his newly developed senses made him answer: "Hi pregnant. I'm dad."
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't like to be spotted.
I used to think toking weed and snorting lines of coke made me a cool guy
but it was all just smoke and mirrors.
It’s fine, I’ll fix it tomorrow…
that’s so Trump
A teacher gave her class
of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.' 'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.' 'That was a fine story Sarah.' Johnny, do you have a story to share?' 'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Barbara. Auntie Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.' 'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?' 'Stay the fuck away from Auntie Barbara when she's had a Drink
One day a mother and her 5 yr old daughter
Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey." Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"
Only the finest Spaghetti code in town
80% of girls like guys with six-pack abs.
80% of guys with six-pack abs don’t like girls.