Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin.
Why don’t dinosaurs talk ?
Because they're dead
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging
Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful!” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked little Michael. "Giving up?"
80% of girls like guys with six-pack abs.
80% of guys with six-pack abs don’t like girls.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
Did I tell you about the girl who only eats plants?
You've probably never heard of herbivore
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
Can we just stop specifying the state when we make this joke? Pretty sure I’ve seen all 50
https://ift.tt/2xjJXr3
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
How do you get a Redditor to click a post?
No text found
Tripped over a dead body. Drew a chalk circle around it.
Did my part for contact tracing.
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there.
Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.
The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."
I was going down on my girlfriend
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?
He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.
I got a grandmother in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses
she just drinks straight out of the bottle.
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
My wife wanted a robot vacuum for Christmas, so I got a cheap knock-off made in Mexico..
It’s called Aye Caroomba.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the 'no-bell' prize."
If that fucker Trump gets re-elected, I’m going to Mexico
but not by choice though
As a scarecrow, people say I’m out standing in my field…
But hay, it's in my jeans.
The wife laughed when I told her I was building a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do for him.
Do you know why there are fewer ‘all men are trash’ posts now?
Christmas is coming
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT TO SAY “LADDER.”