Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
What’s the most nerdy dinosaur?
A thesaurus.
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime.
Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Inn by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
What do you call a one-legged hippo?
A hoppo My 4 year old cousin thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing….
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning. Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The older brother says "I'd like some damn cheerios!" The mother slaps him so hard he's knocked out of his seat. She turns to the younger and says "well what about you?" He says "well I'm sure as fuck not asking for cheerios."
While applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I replied, " No, is that still required?"
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick this morning
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
What type of elf is the rudest?
A go fuck yourself
Oldest man on Earth
A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world. After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mountain village. The journalist arrives at the village and manages to find the man. He is bald and as wrinkly as it gets and has a long white beard. Journalist: "Hello, sir. According to my research, you must be the oldest man on earth. Since you have lived for such a long time I m sure that you have tons of stories to tell the world. Please tell me, what was the best day of your life?" Gramps: " ooooh, the best day of my life you say? Then it must be the day when the daughter of my neighbour, the most beautiful girl in the village whom everybody loved, got lost in the forest. So we gathered all the men. We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the girl. We found the girl and then we all had sex with her right there in the meadow. That was such a nice day! " Journalist: " My goodness! I can't publish this! The children will be grossed out, the parents angry and everyone will think that back in the old times there were only rapists… Old man, what if you tell me about a regular day of your life? Gramps: "ooooh, a regular day you say? Then it must be the days when someone had lost his goat in the forest, good times indeed. When that happened: We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the goat. We found the goat and then we all had sex with it right there in the meadow. Yeah, those were the days! " Journalist:" Oh My God! This is outright bestiality, I can't share this with the world!!! Ok since this path isn't working how about you tell me about the worst day of your life? " Gramps widens his eyes and feels a shiver going down his spine. Gramps: "…….. One day I got lost in the forest….. "
In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long
A pithon Happy pi day
When a women is giving birth, she’s literally kidding.
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A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas, it is $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
{air horn sound}
{second air horn sound} Me: “this isn’t deodorant”
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says to the rabbit, "What can I get ya, sir?" The rabbit says, " I have no idea. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."
I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.
So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
My friend just emailed me a compressed nsfw video
sigh… unzips
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia
She looked up and quietly replied, “they’re right behind you.”
Why don’t Ant Eaters get sick?
Because they're full of anty bodies.
The greatest Schrodinger punchline…
or maybe not.
A magician escaped a police car chase by entering a neighborhood…
And turning into a driveway.
Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
I had one of the first computers that could talk….
But this one day the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I got a Zip drive.
Why did the CEO of the underwear company cut the introductions short?
He wanted to keep things brief.
I told my friend not to get excited about turning 32. Since her birthday would be short.
"Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
