Why are IRS employees always tired when they get home?
Their jobs are taxing.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me
They should make a film series about a guy who uses candles as weapons.
Call it John Wick.
What’s the difference between choking fetish and necrophilia?
About 15 seconds
Instructions on how to cure asthma, arthritis, ulcer, handicap, cancer with ultrasound
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4dwdjBJdW0
I tried to cheer my buddy up by inviting him to a poker night after cows broke into his marijuana store and ate all his product, but he couldn’t come.
He said that the steaks were too high.
I just got banned from /r/fashion
Apparently they didn't like my threads
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
I was just in my local supermarket…
Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of. I called him a selfish b*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself! He said: "That’s all good and well mate, but I work here, so can I carry on filling the shelves now?”
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What do you call a homeless man with no porridge?
A no-porridge no-home man.
One day, little Bobby’s parents decided to have sex
So to get him out of the house they tell him to go to the balcony and count the number of red cars on the road, Bobby says sure and goes out. After they've finished having sex they call him inside and ask him " So how many red cars did you see?", Bobby says " I didn't see any red cars but I found out our neighbours Mr and Mrs Smith were fucking" his dad laughs and says "That’s funny, did they leave the curtains open?” In return, Bobby says out loud, "No I saw their son on the balcony counting red cars"
I suffer from really bad migraines.
Which is better than suffering from really good ones.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane…
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"
My son told me he was cold
I said go stand in the corner it's 90 degrees
Why was the poker player’s closet messy?
Because he never wanted to fold
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all day the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is. “I’m a Christian” says the first man. “Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be really quiet near room 8” said St. Peter The next man walks up and St. Peter asks what religion he was. “I am a Muslim” says the man “Very well, you will be in room 29, just be very quiet around room 8” replies St. Peter The third and final man walks forth and St. Peter again asks what religion he was. “I am an Atheist” answers the man “Very well, you will be in Room 56, just be very quiet around room 8” says St. Peter The man asks, “If I may, why must I be quiet around room 8?” St. Peter replies, “Room 8 is where the Catholics are, and they think they’re the only ones here”
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
3d printers can print guns now!
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
Remember, because of synonyms, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”…
…and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.
What is an electricians favorite type of news
Current events
What does America have that Canada doesn’t?
Nice neighbors.
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
What do you call a drunk coffee?
Amerrycano.
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who was scared of negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
What would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?
There would be mass confusion.
Are you aware of how to avoid clickbait?
Guess not
I don’t mind maths.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
