Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms, the greater the resistance.
My buddy went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Why should china have a base ball team?
Because they can take down the whole world with one bat.
A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange.
A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange. The man looks healthy enough, dressed well, clean shaven, etc., but when the doctor asks him to pull down his pants, sure enough, his penis is bright orange! The doctor has never seen a case like this before, so he begins to a full work-up on the patient. His temperature is good, his blood pressure is fine, blood tests come back normal… so the doctor says to the guy, "Everything physically appears fine with you. Let's discuss your lifestyle… tell me about your average day? Is it stressful?" The guy replies, "Not stressful at all, doc. See, I was born into money, I have never worked a day in my life. I have all I need; multiple homes and cars, beautiful art, women on my arm at any time, nothing is stressful! I literally just sit around all day, watching porn and eating Cheetos…"
Nobody has ever trusted me with anything before… I think there’s a reason for that…
https://ift.tt/2I5vdhV
If I had a DeLorean…
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
[NSFW] What’s the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?
I'm not coming in this morning.
I always hated the show Naked & Afraid
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.
Doctor: Did you know that you have a severe inability to vocalize your emotions?
Me: “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
How do kids tell you their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.
On his way to the lake he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?” “I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?” With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window and asks, “What can I do for you?” “I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time. He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, “I know, you’re the blue bastard of the asphalt. But just what the heck do you want?” “Driver’s license and registration please.”
A truckload of Vick’s vaporub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.
Why did the rapper go to the grocery store?
To get some fresh beets
It’s amazing how seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid January and I’m freezing.
But apparently back in England it's the end of May.
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic. Dad: Never said I was a good one.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own
Because its two-tired.
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst käse scenario.
My dad says this every time
Me: Dad, could you call my phone? I can’t find it. My dad: OH PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?
What’s so good about Shrek?
It's just a mediogre movie.
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, “Did you hear what I just said?!”
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.
What do you do if your xbox is crying?
You console it.
I’m honestly convinced some women do not fart.
They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama
I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
What’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello
One is an inhospitalble desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.
Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying “motherfucker”. Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying “motherfucker”.
Oedipus: You guys are all talk.