Why are people like this
Why don’t blind people pick up their guide-dog’s poop?
Because they can't see shit.
Seriously, this game was beaten by a 19 yo furry, Pokémon’s with second amendement right and the sweet taste of liber-tea.
Seriously, this game was beaten by a 19 yo furry, Pokémon’s with second amendement right and the sweet taste of liber-tea.
I met an Asian guy at a party and asked him, “Are you Chris Chen?”
He said: No, my name is Daniel. Do all Asian guys look the same to you? Me: No. I meant, do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
There’s only a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will understand this.
Why are physicists so serious all the time?
They understand the gravity of the situation.
Comic Sans walks into a bar
The bartender says "Get out – We don't serve your type".
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism!
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.
A third-grade class is on a field trip to the museum when they come across a mummy exhibit. The display has a sign in front saying, “2982 BC.”
One of the kids asks his friend, “What do you suppose that means?” His friend thinks for a few seconds, then concludes, “It must be the license plate number of the car that hit him.”
What did the painter do when it got cold…
He put on another coat
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it.
Eventually she came around.
The Minotaur is really stubborn….
You can say he's bull-headed.
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
He’s not looking so good.
Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it’s strange that the town in the movie Cars is called “Radiator Springs.”
It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I said, “Why?”
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
[OC] Why did the man have a whirring noise in his ears?
Because he was genetically engine-eared.
I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000…
I can’t stand it!
Wanted: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
So we all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day
Someone threw a can of coke at my head today….
Im ok though, it was a soft drink
Sexual position of the day
The Brexit – you promise to pull out but you don’t
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
Friend: Your wife and daughter look like they could be twins!
Me: Well, they were separated at birth.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?” “
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it.
Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.
Why do potatoes make great crime fighters?
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
I bought a handgun from a T-Rex..
…because he is a small arms dealer!
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,
Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records..
..until the police came and removed me from the library.
My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records.
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
An airplane was about to crash…
There was 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Steph Curry, considered one of NBA’s most prized players. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die” So he took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump said, I am much loved and also the smartest president to have ever ruled in America. So my people don’t want me to die. He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the pope, said to the 4th passenger a 10yr old schoolboy, “My boy I am old and have lived a long life, you are young and deserve to live yours, I will sacrifice myself and let you take the last parachute!” The young boy replied “That’s ok your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for the both of us, America’s smartest President took my school bag!”