Why are so many Italians named Tony?
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
I just witnessed a guy getting shot with a paintball gun.
He dyed on impact.
A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke
Dog: Tell me a joke Man: Don’t be silly, you’re a dog Dog: Oh, go on Man: You’re a dog, you won’t understand Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese Man: OK. Knock Knock Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….
I’m very generous when it comes to giving to charity.
I always say, "No, thank you. I'm not interested. But thank you for considering me, good day."
How quickly did the costume store employees clean up the sombrero spill?
At the drop of a hat!
Why teddy bears don’t go to the gym?
They don't wanna get ripped
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
Jeff Bezos is getting divorced
He must have realised that marriage counted as a union
I cooked my friend a steak, perfect medium rare.
He said, I like it well done. I said thanks.
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
What if the real reason aliens don’t visit us is because…
…we're a one star planet?
Hiring manager: “What’s your greatest weakness?”
Man: "I’d say honesty ." Hiring manager: "I don't think that's a weakness." Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."
My new girlfriend just told me what her fetish is, but I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends.
But I better get this shit off my chest.
Why are baby cows cheaper than adults?
Because they're calf price
Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out-Tide
My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says…
"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"
What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?
A slice of blue cake!!!
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
So I had an interview last year
The interviewer: You answers should be quick Me: Ok Interviewer: what is 1490/52? Me:quick
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives…
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
TIL Mr. T’s grandmother was a pirate…
Her name was Mae T
Angela Merkel is taking a holiday in Poland.
At the border, she's stopped by a border security officer. "Name?" asks the officer. "Angela Merkel," she says. "Occupation?" asks the officer. "Look, we said we were sorry," she replies.
In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
Saw an ad for a DeLorean with low milage…
…said it was only used from time to time.
What do you call an angry nut?
A pissed-achio
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves…
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?” The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…
One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people. The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite satisfied with himself, grinning from ear to ear. He says to the couple, "You guys have been staring at each other while locked in stone for the last 100 years, completely unable to do a thing about your urges for each other." He pauses, and then adds: "It's still pretty early, and people don't usually get to the park for another 30 minutes. You two should go into that covered area and…well, just have a good time." The man caught the eye of the woman, who had a twinkle in her eye and wore a mischievous grin. She bit her lip seductively, and with that the man grabbed her hand and the two ran off to the bushes. The angel then found himself privy to giggles, laughter, rustling, and squeals of delight. Fifteen minutes later, the couple emerged from the bushes hand-in-hand, out of breath and faces flush. The angel glanced at his watch. "You still have fifteen minutes, you know. You can have another round if you'd like!" The woman turned excitedly to the man and exclaimed, "Ok! But this time, *you* have to hold the pigeon while *I* get to shit on its head!!"