Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months
My roommate says our house is haunted
I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.
I’m gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I’m not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
What do you call a hippies wife. Mississippi…..
No text found
I Don’t Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police.
Roxanne is a really good song.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra
You can never find the barcode
I wanted to be an anti-vaxxer for halloween
but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass
An IRL dad joke
My dad and I are going out tonight and I asked if he could pick me up. He said "I think so – I've been working out!"
Breaking: Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump have both been diagnosed with Bone Spurs.
https://ift.tt/2FfFcj5
When mom walks in…
When mom walks in…
Do you know I tell dad jokes?
He even laughs sometimes.
How To Date During A Corona Virus Lock Down And Quarantine & Best Date Ideas To Do When Everything Is Shut Down.
https://youtu.be/r_yF1FNcH4Q
If Sarah Sanders thinks it is safe to be out in public, perhaps she could lead by example
https://ift.tt/3ayAl9K
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only” But
when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Apparently girraffes only sleep 3 hours a day.
They must neckered.
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's different to the other jokes.
My wife was mad at me for kicking ice cubes under the refrigerator,
but now it's just water under the fridge.
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
A Chinese child was born before his due date…
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
Name calling does not a president make. He has the mentality of a spoiled child.
https://ift.tt/38EQkmd
My friend threw sodium chloride at me!
THAT'S A SALT!
I went to buy 6 cans of Sprite
But I accidentally picked 7 up.
My nickname at work is Mr. Compromise.
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m okay with it.
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
an artificial Swedener
American tells to his Russian colleague:
"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him" The Russian: "When Putin passes by, we all piss on him" The American: "I exaggerated a little – we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit". The Russian: "And I exaggerated too – when we piss, we don't take off our pants".
I tried to think of a good Star Wars pun
But it just felt Forced.
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
By your excuses combined, I have zero responsibility! Total authority is mine!
https://ift.tt/2VKNxUV
The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries – $1 each.
I thought to myself “these should be free of charge”.