Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they're always stuffed.
I always confuse claustrophobia and homophobia
Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?
Had my Tesla stolen the other day
Now it's an Edison
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian
Then soviet.
What do you call a big boat trying out for a job?
An internship.
Is this sub still active?
https://imgur.com/a/ggw9xpn
Ok boomer bad. Ban good.
This sub is for comics that display boomer humor. It is not an ok boomer sub or boomer reaction sub. Violators will be temporarily banned.
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment complex on his own. He proudly went down to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.
While he was there, a stunning young blonde came out of the apartment and walked down to the mailboxes, wearing only a bathrobe. The young man smiled at the woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked……her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying with all his effort to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' Nervously he followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her bathrobe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him……… 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears!!!' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?' 'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural…… I work out every day and my Ass is firm and solid…….i have a 28 inch waist……. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere!!!!' How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?!' Clearing his throat, he stammered …. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming that was me.'
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
Bear with me
How do I get rid of it?
Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
On Endor, how does a gentleman end a fight?
Ewocs away
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?
I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story.
I think that something scary is about to happen, I can feel it.
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault, Ebola wasn’t Obama’s, Sars wasn’t Bush’s
And only a handful of Herpes cases was Clinton's
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side!
I hate it when kids these days write “angle” instead of “angel.”
They are just trying to be edgy.
What is Gordon Ramsey’s favorite subreddit?
It’s fucking r/aww!
Set you Wifi password to 244466666
So you can say the password is 123456.
Boyfriend asks Girlfriend
B: "If I die, will you find a new boyfriend?" G: "NOOO! I'll never be with another guy, I'll rather go and stay with my sister! What would you do if I die?" B: "I would also stay with your sister"
A Texan and a Mexican walk into a bar and order a beer
Bartender to the the Texan: That will be $5 Bartender to the Mexican: That will be $3 The Texan, upset, asks why the same beer cost less for the Mexican The Bartender replies, "Señor Discount"
When my wife was in labour, I tried to distract her by telling terrible jokes, but it didn’t work.
It must have been the delivery.
Why did miss piggie break off their engagement?
She was afraid of kermitment
A brother asks his sister to marry him…
She replies, "if you incest".
It shouldn’t be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump
It's always darkest before Don
Master yoda, are we on the right way??
Off course we are
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
Three guys go in for a job interview.
The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!” “I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get the hell out of my office!” The second guy goes in, it’s the same thing, he is doing amazing, best job interview ever. Talks himself into 20K a year more than the advertised salary. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!” “I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get out of my office!” So the third guy’s about to go in, but the first and second guy stop him and warn him “Hey, I don’t care how good you’re doing, how comfortable you feel, don’t say ANYTHING about his ears, he’ll throw you right out!” So the third guy goes in. Again, same thing, an AMAZING interview. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” Third guy looks real close, squints his eyes a bit and says “Yeah. You wear contact lenses, don’t you?” “WOW!” says the interviewer, “That is REALLY perceptive of you! How did you know?” “Well…” Says guy three… “You sure as hell couldn’t wear glasses!”
The vagina has more than eight thousand nerve endings
But, it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.