Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because curiosity killed them all.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
I can't put it down
I’m more of a so-sopath.
Ah, this one got me good 😀
The captain was standing on the deck!
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
Their socialism is just too much
Nothing happened. But our kids loved it
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
but she was just pulling my leg.
I don’t think I can ever repay you.
No text found
It's changing your ring tone
I named the second one Repeat.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
"Don't you mean 'platonic'?" No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.
B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –
Because the p is silent.
I can never get a straight answer.
Because they'll do unspeakable things to you.
As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”
The tree was stumped.
But fruit flies like a banana
I never wanted to believe, that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home,
All the signs were there.
Dad: No, it doesn’t
He liked to feel the draft coming in.
He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note. The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". Completely confused as to why his wife is being so nice, he walks through a spotless house to the kitchen, where a nice breakfast is waiting for him. His son is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book. The man asks, "son, what the hell happened last night?" "Well dad, you stumbled in at 3 AM, completely drunk, puked in the hallway, and pissed all over the toilet." "Why is mom being so nice?" "Because when she was trying to get you into bed, and mom was trying to take off your pants, you started screaming, BITCH LEAVE ME ALONE I'M MARRIED!"
Turns out, Israel
My bosses tie
For Hispanic Attacks.
-I don't know son, why can't you just use a sponge?