Why are there no cats on mars?
Curiosity killed them all.
I was driving along when this man waved me down.
I stopped the car and he asked me if I could give him a few directions. 'Certainly,' I replied, 'up, down, east and west.' Then I drove off.
A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
It is interesting to realise that the Indian Gods are also called Devs
/r/teenagers/comments/f2yg7u/it_is_interesting_to_realise_that_the_indian_gods/
What do you call a broken can opener?
Can't opener.
Where would you find flying rabbits?
in the hare force
Flat earthers have been quiet recently.
They kind of fell off.
Why do ghosts get so many DUIs
Cuz they're full of BOOS
A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." said Dave. So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read: Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!
What’s the difference between your Wife and your Job?
Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.
I used to be a skydiving instructor.
I dropped out.
What’s Forest Gump’s password?
1Forest1
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot. (I'll show myself out…)
When you forget how to stand in your flesh disguise and an Earthling gets suspicious.
https://ift.tt/2Su1Knj
My idea of a professional Hide and Seek tournament failed miserably.
Good players are hard to find.
What’s the cutest season?
Awwwtumn.
Women’s Friends Vs. Men’s Friends
Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak
28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger – 2.99 Cheeseburger – 3.99 Chicken Sandwich – 4.99 Hand Jobs – 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger
Why Don’t Roofers Like Getting Married?
Because they prefer the shingle life!
My boss the cannibal told me that eating people was company policy…
I found it a little hard to swallow.
Why did the sun not go to college?
He already has a million degrees
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decaffeinated
Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?
Drycoughsky
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
me: No, I kinda just lie there. wife: THIS- [takes off doctor costume] this is why we never role play anymore!
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I’ve ever had.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.