Why are there two D’s in “Reddit?”
The second one's a repost.
Why is a minnow always the first suspect for a crime?
Because he's always a little fishy
Her: I want to wake up next to you the rest of my life
Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep
How does Bill Gates count to ten?
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.
A waiter once asked me: “Do you wanna box for your leftovers?”
I said: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”
How fast does light travel?
a. 10,000 km/s b. 100,000 km/s c. d. 1,000,000 km/s
I have to tell my girlfriend that I don’t like the fetish she’s into…
But first I need to get some shit off my chest.
What’s a decent Asian stereotype?
I like Sony and Yamaha.
I love to tell dad jokes
Sometimes he even laughs
I watched a dwarf escape from prison today. As he climbed down the fence, he smirked at me.
I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that's a little condescending."
Masturbation is a touchy subject…
…whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.
“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”
“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Dead crows
The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus. A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19). The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars. TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.
I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."
Dumbest kid in the world…
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
I asked my boss, “Can I have a week off around Christmas?” He growled, “It’s May!”
I countered, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?”
Why did the blind man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graiins!
A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.
Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?” “For how much?” The businessman asks. “1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says. “1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessman shouts, getting angry at the audacity of the old man, but the other interrupts him. “I understand your thoughts” the old man says quickly, “ but you see, this is a magic lamp. It has a genie inside it. Three wishes per person, no less!” “Oh, really? Show me, then” The businessman says mockingly. “Well, of course. I saved my last wish just for this” the old man smiles as he rubs the lamp. To the businessman’s surprise, a genie really pops out! “What is your third wish, master?” The genie says majestically. The old man grins at the businessman’s mesmerized face before making his last wish. “A mug of coffee, please.” The genie snaps his fingers, and a mug of coffee appears before the old man. The businessman stares slack-jawed at the mug as the genie disappears. The old man smiles. “Well?” “I’ll buy it” The businessman replies immediately, writing him a cheque, taking the lamp and leaving before the old man can change his mind. After getting home, the businessman runs the lamp hopefully, and sure enough, the genie appears. “What is your first wish, mas-” The genie starts, before being interrupted by the businessman. “I wish for all the money I gave the old man, as well as a new yacht, a mansion and a limousine!” The businessman blurts out quickly. The genie stares at the businessman for a few seconds, then says awkwardly: “M-my apologies master, I only serve coffee and tea.”
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work
Accidental Dad Joke
Story time: So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house. Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?" Me: "Yes mom." Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice" Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice…" Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."
My girlfriend left me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who’s come crawling back
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel?
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
My friend helped me get into beekeeping. He gave me some to get me started.
He said they were freebees.
I’ve learned 99% of the English language.
I'm almost their.