Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
A blind woman told me I had a big dick
She was just pulling my leg.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey
When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it. As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks. The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey." "But it's sinful and wicked!" "How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?" "Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is." "But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?" They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?" The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman. "Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please." The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?"
Why did the banker leave his job?
because he lost interest
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
I once met a girl with twelve nipples.
Sounds funny. Dozen tit.
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover it’s butt-quack.
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A fizziscian
Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice juuust right
Why did Cinderella get kicked off her soccer team?
Because she kept running away from the ball.
I relabeled all the jars in my mom’s spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.
It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.
Today I hit my son in the head with a soda can
Lucky it was a soft drink
I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…
I didn't even know they could knit!
Doctor: You should stop masturbating
Me: Why doc? Is there something wrong? Doctor: Its making me really uncomfortable
Only one person can stop LeBron
That's LeBrain….
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.
While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. " The blonde look around and says " Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes…"
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said "It didn't work out." She told me to be more specific so I said "I just told you, she didn't exercise."
What do lawyers wear to work?
A lawsuit.
It makes sense that Minecraft appeals to kids.
I mean, they are Minors.
A moral joke, finally!
The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?' ''Yes Ma'am, My Daddy is told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. Pin drop silence in the class !! ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story ? "Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk..!!"
I bought a wooden car today.
Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. Wooden start.
Why doesn’t anybody in Antarctica have covid?
Because they are ice-o-lating
Why are blinks called “blinks”?
Because their "bi-winks".
A recent study has discovered a new strain of lice that is resistant to conventional treatment.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
