Why are these still being made?
Did you hear of the dog with denchers?
It was all bark and no bite.
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
Justice is best served cold
Because if it was served warm, it would be just water
Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.
Trying to get in to smaller pants.
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
My parents say this sub will turn me into my father.
My bio says otherwise
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
Itās not hard
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house.
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. Itās the same with humans under quarantine.
Thatās why itās called a āPandemicā.
A pretty girl kissed me today
I wish I could post this in another subreddit.
Three guys die…
and Saint Peter stops them at the Golden Gates. He tells them, "Depending how faithful you were to your wife, depends what kind of car you drive across the Golden Bridge to heaven." First guy says, "I was married 10 years and only cheated three times." Saint Peter says, "That's ok I suppose, here take this older model pick-up truck." Second guy says, "I was married 15 years and only cheated once!" Saint Peter says, "Pretty great, here take this sports car." Third guy says, "I was married 40 years and never cheated on my wife." Saint Peter says, "Wow that's the best I've ever heard! Here, take this Golden Edition Rolls-Royce." The three guys start across the bridge and the Rolls takes off and leaves them. About half way across, the other two guys find the Rolls pulled over with his head on the steering wheel. They stop and walk over. First guy says, "Come on man, being dead isn't so bad." Second guy says, "Yeah, look what you're driving, and look what we're driving." Third guy says, "No guys, you don't get it, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
āWait!" I shouted. "I can change!"
People tell me that my phone is more powerful than the computer that put astronauts on the moon.
Yet when I use my phone to navigate it will tell me to turn when there is no turn. But I guess it makes sense since there arenāt a lot of turns between Earth and the Moon.
Soo weāre going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? Whatās happening there?
Itās open Mike night!
Finland has just closed their borders
No one will be crossing the finish line
I was really angry when I found out that my buddy Mark stole my dictionary.
I confronted him and said, āMark, my words!ā
Me being tempted by all the languages I tell myself I could learn while under quarantine.
https://ift.tt/2xLOKlw
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in the jeans.
My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
My ex girlfirend
My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head. "The Impaler" was my favourite. Well, at least, that's what I thought she said…. Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.
Why doesn’t 7 have any frends?
he's odd.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didnāt spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
One day I’ll pretend to be gay. I’ll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected…BAAM!!!
I'll have sex with their boyfriends
A man is at his wifeās funeral
and a woman asks him if she can say a word. He says okay and she stands up, saying āPlethoraā. The man replies, āThanks, that means a lotā.
Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.
They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor. They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story. For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200 one would tell a scary story, and for the last 200 one would tell a sad story. This strategy worked well for the first 400 floors. It was now time for the last guy to tell a sad story. For the next 100 floors, the last guy tried his best to come up with a story that would move his friends to tears, when finally, he stopped on the stairs. "Guys. I have a sad story now." The others stop and face him. "I left the keys in the lobby."
I have a pen that can write underwater!!
It can write other words too.
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday…
Left the brownies in the oven for too long
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don’t know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?
Three guys interviewing to be a detective. The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that" He calls them into his office one by one. The first guy goes in and is shown a picture of a recently captured criminal. Tattooed face, large scar, he's quite recognisable. The inspector says, "Take a close look, and I want you to memorize and remember all the features that will help you identify this man in a crowd" After a minute, the man is done. The Inspector turns the picture over and says, "Well, go on, describe him to me" The man responds, "Well it wouldn't be hard to find this guy, given that he has only one ear". The inspector stares blankly, turns the picture over and says, "What sort of a moron are you? This is a side profile of the man.. don't tell me you thought… ugh, get out and stop wasting my time!" The second guy is called in and given the same challenge. After his minute he says, "Well, I couldn't really focus on much other than the fact that he has only one eye" Visibly frustrated, the inspector bellows, "What is wrong with you people, do you not know what a side profile is?! Get out, and call the last guy in!!" The last guy comes in and is given the same challenge. The inspector adds, "You know what, take 5 minutes.. and think carefully before you answer" 5 minutes later, the young man turns the picture over himself and says, "You know, I'll bet he wears contact lenses" The inspector scrunches his eyebrows and then squints at the young man in silence for a few moments. Not wanting to potentially get embarrassed, he excuses himself to go check the man's criminal profile. 2 minutes later, he steps back in. A pleased but puzzles look on his face, he says, "Well, yes.. yes he does wear contacts lenses. How could you tell?" Visibly delighted with himself, the young man beams back with a smile, "Oh, it took a while to think of it, but there's no way he could wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear"
When I heard that a cure for dyslexia had been discovered
It was like music to my arse
I saw an ad in a shop window, āTelevision for sale, $1, volume stuck on fullā, I thought
āI can't turn that down.ā
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
āYou crossed the wrong guyā I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
Whatās a good name for a detective?
Mr. E My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind!