Why are they similar
It wasn’t until I slapped the statue’s ass.
That I realized I had hit rock bottom
I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.
So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom. I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck. I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner. On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs. "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." I said okay, weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink. I said "you don't drink?!?" "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this. So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask: "wanna get a room and knock boots?" She says: I thought you'd never ask! I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children? She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!
A man approaches his best friend’s wife one day
when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks. "No. My husband wouldn't approve." "O.K. What if I give you $1000?" "Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work." So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught: "Was my best friend here today?" "Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern. "And did he leave $1000?" "Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst. "Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said “see you later, son”. I said indignantly, “don’t call me ‘son’, you’re not my dad!”
… To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
What do you call an elephant who doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
My mate keeps buying cars
Heâs got car owner virus
A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.
"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.
At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname âMr. Compromise.â
It wasnât my first choice, but Iâm ok with it.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.
He was in the wrong craft.
I hate dying
It will be the last thing I do.
Why can’t Superman ever drive to the top level of the parking garage?
Because he always stays in the Lois Lane Kill me pls
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
I suspected my girlfriend was a ghost right from the beginning
Starting with the moment she walked through those doors.
Iâm outta here!!
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you…don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that âŚâŚ French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic Attack!
A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.
Never knew he was a barber.
If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour…
which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?
The New Year’s celebration at Times Square was pretty disappointing.
They really dropped the ball this time.
How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
Having children really brought my wife and I closer together.
Now we have a common enemy.
Why don’t Kleptomaniacs understand puns?
Because they take things literally.
My brother said, âWhat rhymes with Orangeâ
I told him no it doesnât
My girlfriend objected when I tried to..
post our home made sex tape on PornHub, saying she couldnât stand the thought of all those strangers masturbating over it. So I put it on Facebook instead.
My friend asked if i had heard of Pavlov
But it didnt ring a bell
Little Teddyâs doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.
The first day home from St. Michaelâs, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again. Â His mother visits his room and says, âYouâre working awfully hard!â Â âWell,â Teddy replies, âtoday when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they werenât fucking around.â
What did the spice maker say when he orgasmed?
Iâm cumin!
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.