“Why are you telling me this story about a male hen?” I asked the bartender, confused.
He just looked at me and replied, "You asked for a cock tale, sir."
The fly says, “is there a gnat on my back?” The gnat says, “gnat at all.” The fly says, “that’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard. ” The gnat goes, “what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!”
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT TO SAY “LADDER.”
I’d never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, “Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?” If not, don’t say it. I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, “Your chest is epic.”
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight for the door I opened the door, and sprinted towards my vehicle. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.” Moral of the story? Always keep the condoms in the car
Somewhere in the high c's.
They were Prime mates.
Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".
Do they die hard?
So now we call him Dav
The bartender says "Hey!" Then the horse replies "Sounds good!"
It’s f*cking close to water.
They are lined up for blocks.
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
The results came completely out of the purple…
.. p and a.
St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water. St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger." St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven. St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The second nun replies hesitantly, "Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand." St. Peter smiles and says, "Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven. At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, "Listen, I better go next because I'm not gurgling that shit after she sticks her ass in it."
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many” I said. “That one is a freebie”
The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.” The guy looks around but there is no punch line
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
The General replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The General looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late to his first class, 8 minutes late to his second, and 4 minutes late to the third.
At this rate, he will never be in class on time.
My wife said she was leaving me because, “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework!” Selfish woman!!
It took me hours to mop that carpet!!
But I can see where you are coming from.
Yesterday my seven year old son asked me "where does poo come from?". I was a little bit uncomfortable but I gave him an honest explanation. Then he looked at me a little perplexed for a few seconds and then he asked "And Tigger?"
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
No text found
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Never mind, it’s pointless…
I ran away and he yelled at me: “get back here you ungrateful child”