Why aren’t porcupines allowed to become bartenders?
They always spike the drinks.
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
She's a keeper…
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
Dad : “No, the regular kind.”
He was cleared of all charges.
Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.
Serves him right.
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
It was on its last legs.
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.
No text found
Because he conditioned it.
Well, done done done, done da done, done da done
He's going to he'll.
Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were. The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out for blood. I look him in the eye and I know that it’s me or him. When he lunged, I grabbed him with my bare hands and strangled him to death. And you see these snakeskin boots? I took them as a trophy from my kill.” The second cowboy responds: “That’s nothing. One day I was riding around on my horse, than out of nowhere comes out a big, mean bear. The son of a bitch knocks me off my horse, and proceeds to kill my noble steed. I reach for my gun, but he charges and knocks it out of my hand. He’s got me pinned, snarling at me just waiting to kill, when I manage to break free, get my knife from my boot, and I stab him in the throat. And you see this bearskin cloak? I skinned him myself and keep this as a reminder.” The two cowboys look to the third, and one of them says “well what about you? You think you’re tougher than us?” The third cowboy says nothing, and just continues to sit there, stirring the fire with his dick.
A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." The father asks, "What happened?" "Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'" "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet," the dad replies. The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?" "They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked. "That's what I said" the boy replies.