Why can you never find the TV remote?
How do you identify the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant If it floats, it's buoyant.
I once had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
Why did the rapper go to the grocery store?
To get some fresh beets
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naΓ―ve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey." So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael. Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone. "Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man? "Well," replies Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress." Sister Patrick stares in shock. "Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers." Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?" "Because," explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!" Thanks to my English teacher for telling my class this when we were 13.
Got an ice cream for my girlfriend
Best trade i ever made.
I decided to get my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
He keeps asking for an ex box, so Iβm sure he will be delighted.
Women are so materialistic.
I bet they'd all dig me if I lived in a bigger car.
A man in a trench coat runs up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself.
One of the old ladies had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
Did you hear about the monster that ate a Cessna?
He said it was a little plane
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat any dinner?
They were already stuffed!
Where do I store all of my dad jokes?
In my dadβ’aβ’base
i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night
thanks daylight savings
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
Why did Princess Peach choke?
Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.
My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar…
Blunt force trauma
What is Gordon Ramsayβs favorite subreddit?
Itβs fucking r/aww
I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, βYou know, Iβd like another one.β
I added Paul Walker as a friend on X-box…
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
What do they call the hunger games in France?
Battle royale with cheese.
what did batman say to robin before they got in the batmobile?
βrobin, get in the batmobileβ
According to a survey, 80% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
My mirror is really enjoying quarantine.
It has a lot time to reflect.
Do you remember what happened in 1997?
No Biggie.
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike–Mike." "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike–it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice. "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You're on the team for this Sunday's match!"
As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home…
She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me …." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord…?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done…." They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
So a teenage boy asks a girl out to prom
He asks her out, and he needs to plan, so first, he needs his tuxedo. So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and there's a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo. Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, there's a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo. On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes goes by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building! So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, "hey can you get us some punch?" So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what? There's no punchline.