Why can’t a nose be longer than 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
Why did the banker push down the old lady
He was checking her balance
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together.
Totally nailed it.
What’s the definition of a Will?
Come on guys! It's a Dead Giveaway!
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering such questions.
I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group
So I just came in my pants.
How do you know a redditor has left a hotel?
Username checks out
Did you hear about the female rapper who only rapped when she was on her period?
They say she had a mean flow.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer
A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything.
Police are combing the area.
Never have sex with a wizard…
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
My computer said my password is insecure.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”
And I thought, “that’s just spam”.
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause truants don't go to school! (I came up with this right now)
How meaning of how Adam and Eve came to be
So basically you know when ur high you feel funny and stuff. Yeah so when the universe was made it made humans like this feeling high all the time and then the humans eventually made a amichane to stabilize the damasion and only had two people of the race left because all the others killed them self eventually and so Adam and Eve are the unstable humans and after zapinf them selfs with the beam they came to the niw stabaliEd timension and reset the world by.accident and. The material to make the machine was smooked weed and so when you smoke weed or stuff and get high you accidentally go to a realm in-between both stabaliEd and unstabaluzwd dimasion and so you feel high because euyr In 3 and 1. (stabaliEd version dimasion) and you are feeling millions of years of knowledge and memories so it’s too much for your head and you get high she to loss of blood in the head. Freaking world out there people. Love you all goodnight . Garfield oh shit he is behind me aahhh gnandrgfiwld orange cat aaa. Om nom nom. mmmm -garfield (last oart). ……..(bye/night)
“Hey dad, I’m taking a shower”
"Alright, make sure to bring it back"
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
Damn girl are you a reddit user?
Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!
I got a job at a construction site to drill holes
Its a boring job
A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers
“Yes,” he says. “My dad taught me.” “Can you tell me what comes after three?” “Four” “What comes after six?” “Seven” “Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?” “A jack,” answers Little Johnny.
What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?
Panakin Skywalker
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
Did you know Bach was a big time gambler?
It got so bad he went baroque!
Why didn’t the redneck leave the yoga class when it was over?
On his way out he said "see you next week". The instructor responded "namaste" , and the redneck said "Oh. Then I'm-a-stayin too".
Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me…
I was like: What the Hellman
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
My friend Jay had twin daughters, and decided to name them after him.
They are named Kay and Elle.
This was shared on Facebook in an album of different boomer cartoons depicting “phone bad”
https://ift.tt/2QRqBjn
Anti vaxx joke
When little Timmy went to school and mastered one to nine, he thought the other kids were cool and every class Devine. He painted shapes red and blue and he drew in curves and bends. And when the day was over he made 100 friends! I’m Pals with Pete Mike and Max he told his pa with pride, but Timmy’s folks were anti-vaxx and then he fucking died.
I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher
I also told him she wants him to clean his room
If you push the envelope…
…is it still stationary?