Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.
2020, 24 hours to go…
Did you know that today is the only day that tells you what to do?
March fourth! (I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)
And the winner for best neckwear goes to…
Well, would you look at that. It’s a tie.
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that…
…he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets. "Was I smiling?" Trump asked. "I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."
A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin
Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone. A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s loading the penguin up. “Just what do you think you’re doing with that penguin?” The officer demands “I haven’t a clue what to do with him I just saw him on the side of the road and figured I’d pick him up” The man replied “Well I suggest you take him straight to the zoo!” The officer suggested. So the man agrees and takes off heading toward the zoo. The next day the officer is at his post when he sees the same guy in the same car driving by with the same penguin. He immediately hits the flashers and pulls the man over. “Hey pal I thought I made it clear yesterday to take this penguin straight to the zoo!” The officer stated “Yeah we did that yesterday, today I’m taking him to the ball game”
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?
You can’t see in the dark
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Tutorial: How to gain 500 Coin on Reddit without upvote or luck!! SAFE METHOD
https://ift.tt/35Jd7fO
Bad knock-knock joke #3
Knock knock. Who’s there? Etch. Etch who? I'm sorry, did you sneeze? Bless you.
What do you call a sword that doesn’t weigh much?
A light saber
Buhdum tiss
https://ift.tt/2KD8QSE
For the past three weeks, I’ve been jogging a mile a day
Now I don't know where I am.
I love the way the Earth rotates…
It really makes my day.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
A man walks in a bar and says: ‘I’d like 7 double wiskeys, please.’
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey. As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another. The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?' The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey. 'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender. The man: 'not a single penny'
What happens when you give the sun a gun?
It becomes a shooting star.
Did you hear about the guy trapped inside of a giant cucumber at the bottom of the ocean?
He was really in a pickle.
What do Microsoft Excel users put in their hair?
SUMPRODUCT()
I went golfing and I brought two pairs of socks…
In case I get a hole in one…
Why couldn’t the computer take its Hat off?
Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.
My uncle posted this on FB with the caption “We could all learn from this guy”
https://ift.tt/2Udc17o
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
My Hispanic buddy likes Little Caesars.
He uses them to trim his mustache.
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ”I’m fucked…”, but a voice in the back of his head says: ”Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!”
''What?! Why?'' – thinks the cowboy. ''Just kill the chief!'' – says the voice. The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief. As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''Now you're fucked…''
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.
It makes scents, if you think about it.
Women love a man brimming with confidence.
Because without that, what else is there to destroy?
I was addicted to the hokey pokey
But I turned myself around
We should have known communism wouldn’t work
There were so many red flags.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?
But most have 4
People named Victor must be very successful historians.
Because history is always written by the Victor.