Why can’t a pirate ever finish the alphabet ?
Because they are always stuck at C. 🐟🦑🐙
I asked a pretty young homeless lady if I could take her home.
She said Yes, but didn't look pleased when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.
After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!
3 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
My dad’s boomer friend just posted this. Wife bad. Must kill. Then maybe grill.
https://ift.tt/2KJT4VX
Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter”?
He said "Nein, I am ze German… but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/
A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.
Never knew he was a barber.
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but this is fucking ridiculous.
A Viking named Rudolph the Red looks outside, then tells his wife “It’s going to rain”…
Wife asks "Why do you think that?" He replies "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear…" (Not mine, my dad found it somewhere and was very proud of making the family groan…)
An 18-wheeler filled with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway today.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!
I just found out how to burn 2000 calories
I left my brownies in the oven too long
What is round and angry?
A vicious circle.
Why did Tesla read newspapers?
To know about current events.
Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
Never challenge death to a pillow fight
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
I’ve just written a book on how to fall down a stair case.
It's a step-by-step guide.
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
What do you call the Italian hood?
The Spaghetto.
One boy tell the other: “There is an easy way to get what you want”
The other boy said, "How?" "Tell people you know their secret" The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10" The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15" The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing
"What are you doing?" He asked. "I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free." The husband begins packing his bags. "What are you doing?" asked the wife. "I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex
Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away
My doctor said I was going deaf.
Haven't heard from him since.
I told my dad Stan Lee died…
Dad: I don’t know who that is. Me: how do you not know who Stan Lee is? Dad: Because you haven’t told me his last name. Me:….
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed…
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.
Your essays should be like a girl’s skirt
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
There’s a new horror film out about a man that possessed people by sneezing.
It's based on achoo story.
“Jesus loves you” is a great thing to hear in church…
It’s a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
So proud
Visiting my son and his wife, who just had their first baby. At lunch, my wife said “I’m warm.” Son piped up and said “I can finally say this – Hi Warm, I’m Dad.” Proud moment.
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out.
You can say… I solved the case.
