Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
This guy walked up to the counter and said ‘Burger and chips please,’
'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?' 'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
I met a snooty dude at a party in Boston, and I asked him “Did you go to Harvard?”
He said, “Yale”. I said, “I SAID, DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?”
Whenever I’m sad my German friend throws bread at me
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
Comic Sans walks into a bar
The bartender says "Get out – We don't serve your type".
Correct this sentence: A man runs by a campsite
It’s “A man ran by a campsite” because it’s past tents
Hillary Clinton says ‘many, many, many people’ are urging her to run for president in 2020.
And most of them are Republicans.
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
(Star war joke) From where did Aniken skywalker get his robotic hand?
From the second HAND shop
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed
and I won't rest until I find it.
Knowing that she will have more money than any of us will have in a life time.
https://ift.tt/2QbPKEP
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
… "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
Dad joke
Wife: I'm pregnant. Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
I hate it when kids these days write “angle” instead of “angel.”
They are just trying to be edgy.
Went out with a bang…
A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal. He grew up, lived happily, enjoyed perfect health, and died at the ripe old age of 107. According to the story in the newspaper, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
‘We ran out of protein powder!’
Dad: No whey
Two female parrots
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." “What do they say?" the priest inquired. “They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. “That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time." “Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!" Edit: wow guys, first post above 1.0k 🙂 glad you all liked it!
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
I just found out there’s no popcorn in popcorn shrimp
I guess there’s no need to try pot roast.
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on
I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.
We’ll We’ll We’ll…
…if it isn't autocorrect…
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
I bought myself a snail to race other snails..
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish
You know what they say about a guy with big feet
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances.
I said: "There's the door."
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The Mechanical engineer says: – "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says: – "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says: – "Impurities in the Gasoline" The IT engineer says: – "Hey guys, i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around”
"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home." So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?" And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet – I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear." "Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole." "Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?" "I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her." "Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?" "Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.
7 year old got me today
Did you know gibberish spelled backwards is gibberish? No, it's hsirebbig. Exactly my point!
