Why can’t I have terms of service?
I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they’re terrible.
I think it's flabbercasting.
Why did the dog go to college?
To get its pedigree.
My social life is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
Wife just opened the car door for me..
..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph
This sub is not meant for memes
This sub was and still is for boomer comics, things that boomers find funny, or straight up boomer garbage. I’ve noticed that many people are posting memes about boomer humor, which isn’t what this sub is for. Thank you
why does my code always look so shitty compared to code written by big companies :c
https://ift.tt/3868Lkj
Started reading a book in brail
Something terrible is about to happen I can feel it
I just saw my first porno…
And damn I looked good back then.
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage
I lost my case
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer…?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.' Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.' The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.' Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.' Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.' The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!' Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
I bumped my elbow digging for gold.
It was a miner injury.
I just learned the medical name for Viagra.
Mycoxaflopin
What is it called when your parachute doesnāt open?
Jumping to a conclusion.
āDad, what do ballerinas wear?ā
Dad: You can figure it out. Just put tu and tu together.
[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
I won’t do any threesome.
If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would just have dinner with my parents.
My wife didnāt think Iāll give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
Walking is just teleportation…
but with extra steps!
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
What is the first rule of stealing someones shoes.
Pick on someone your own size.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
Because he felt his presents…
What do you call a priest thatās also a lawyer?
A father in law
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets
I wrote the names of everyone Iāve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now heās high on my list of people I never want to see again.
Ok – I finally understand my life.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed…… On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again…… On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.