Why can’t I log into anything?
Algebra was the easiest subject to learn in Ancient Rome.
Because x was always 10.
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” she says. The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.” The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist.”
Why is 1 = 0 ??
Cos 0 = 1
My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom
I almost choked on my own cock
My wife said I had a terrible sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right
Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?
A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.
Knock knock
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
Due to quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
Did you know diarrhea Is hereditary?
It runs in our jeans
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
German sausage is the wurst.
No text found
Which part of the body is the last to die?
Pupils, coz they dilate.
I won’t do any threesome.
If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would just have dinner with my parents.
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc. “There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; “What’s for dinner honey?” No answer. He moves closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still no answer. He moves even closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. “What’s for dinner honey?” “FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
How many syllables does the word gloria have?
Christians: 18
Realizing you just fucked up 5 hours of work on a PCR with one pipetting error
https://ift.tt/2Q6v69U
I told my wife I bought a pencil with two erasers
She said "what's the point?" My daughter insisted I post her joke here, haha.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.
He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”
Wife hates husband, likes cat (sorry for the bad editing, had to translate improfessionally)
https://ift.tt/33B5PJY
I was so thankful to come across a man selling his junk in the middle of the desert.
But it turned out to be a mirage sale.
How do you find put how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
Did you hear about the viking Rudolph the Red?
He looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain. His wife questioned, "What makes you say that?" He replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek League.
Good players are hard to find.
The urge to sing ‘the lion sleeps tonight’
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
If Poly means many then…
Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects
NBC is developing a new realistic docudrama about Abraham Lincoln.
The finale will be shot before a live audience.
Two antennae got married
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.
As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for." I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know." He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving." The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."
I watched a documentary on frogs the other day
It was ribbiting.
Instead of ‘Happy New Year’ I said ‘good year’ to my wife.
I must be tired.
My son seemed really upset that he came in last at the Karate competition.
He was kicking himself.
What body of water do tees like to swim in?
The Golf of Mexico
Why do Uber drivers skip the gym ?
Because they don't even Lyft