A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.
As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin. "Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday." "Yesterday?!" she gasps. "How did they hit it off so quickly?" "Well, he's a wonderful lover, for one. He's a really nice guy, of course. And to top it off," he said, leaning into a whisper, "he's got a 10 inch cock!" She blushes. "Sounds like a catch to me! Where can I find him?" "He's just a block over. But fair warning, he's also a little kooky. He's only interested in women named after flowers. If I meet someone like that, I send them his way, and then he sends me the flower as a thank you. Yesterday was Rose, and a week ago, I recommended a woman named Violet to him," he said, indicating a slightly wilted violet in a vase behind him. The woman thanks him for the info and leaves the shop, bitter about her own name. Undeterred, she visits the well-endowed florist. She steps up to the counter and pointedly says, "I heard you are particularly…skilled in certain areas?" He smirks. "What is your name?" Pouting slightly, she replies "Kris." His smile falters, and his head sinks as he shakes his head. Kris's heart drops. "Well then…if it's not too much trouble, I'd like some flowers for my mother." Suddenly, he brightens up again. Without another word, he takes her hand and locks the shop door. Three hours of mind-altering sex later, she bids him goodbye with a kiss. "And please," he says, "tell your mother she is welcome to as many flowers from my shop as she would like." Taken aback, she promises to convey the message, and calls her mother that night to tell her everything. The next day, Kris feels like a million bucks and swings by the original florist's shop. "I just wanted to thank you for telling me about that gentleman! He was AMAZING!" He smiles sheepishly. "I suppose I should thank you too. I just got another beautiful flower for recommending you to him." "Really? What flower could he have possibly sent that was named after me?" The florist sighs. "Chrysanthemum." EDIT: Just to be clear, this is 100% OC. I wrote it several months ago and have posted it a few times since then. This is a slightly tweaked version from the last one. I deleted all but the most recent first posting.
The old farmer said, “ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise”
The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was. The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise. The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”
A few days after Christmas,
a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
An Athiest in hell
An atheist dies and goes to hell The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!" They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?". They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!" As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air. Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".
My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
[NSFW] Squeeze and Tug
A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed. The wife turned to the husband and said, “If I’m in the mood to get frisky, I’ll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.” The husband said, “And if I’m interested, I’ll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.”
Every morning I get hit by the same bike
It's a vicious cycle…
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey… a deal's a deal.
Son: “Hey Dad, how does a sundial work?”
*Dad hands Son a phone* Dad: "Ok, now just call someone." Son: "Why can't you do it?" Dad: "Because that would be a daddial."
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler’s outbursts a “temper tantrum.”
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it’s full groan.
Today is a day to celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton…
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one. Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.
I was going to give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped…
I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
Just so everybody’s clear,
I'm going to put my glasses on.
Why should you avoid hunting deers with a shotgun?
Because if you encounter a deer who has a shotgun, it's best to just leave them alone.
I made brownies for the office, some have laxatives, some have weed.
You know, for shits and giggles.
There’s an air base in Massachusetts. I’ve flown above it a few times
Over Andover again
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
How do you cut the ocean in half?… you use a sea saw
You use a sea saw!
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.
I opened a pistachio shell, and there was nothing inside.
Even Mother Nature is participating in No Nut November.
A man walks into a bar NSFW
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After nursing his whiskey he notices a horse in the back of the bar. Curious he asks the bar-tender: "Hey, why the horse in the back of the bar" "Oh, that horse is Jim. We have a pool going. If anyone can make Jim laugh they can have all the money. It's $100 to try." The man thinks for a moment, removes $100 from his wallet, places the money on the bar, walks back, and whispers something in Jim's (the horse's) ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The man walks back to the bar, orders another whiskey, shoots it, takes his winnings and leaves. A few months later this strange man comes back to the bar. Again he orders a drink and again he asks about the horse. The bar tender replies: "Well, since you were last here we needed a new wager. Same deal only now we are looking for someone that can make Jim cry". Then places his money on the bar and walks back to the horse and moments later returns ; a weeping horse in his wake and inquires to his prize money. The bartender not letting go so easily asked, "Hold on mister. You have to tell me. how you won both pools" The man replies: "Last time, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him".
Why did the blind person fall into the well?
They didn’t see that well.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Like I get the 80s were nice, but the amount of media that uses 80s nostalgia is getting annoying and dull at this point
Like I get the 80s were nice, but the amount of media that uses 80s nostalgia is getting annoying and dull at this point
Why did the baby go to jail?
Because he was resisting a rest.
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years
The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her…
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
Did you hear about the butcher that sat on his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?” So I did.
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one of the passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
Flat earthers have been quiet recently.
They kind of fell off.
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.