Why can’t the chameleon change colors?
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
Cries in broke
Filling the void
Nobody has ever trusted me with anything before… I think there’s a reason for that…
What’s the last thing that you remember?
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities
“Aw, Snap! Page unresponsive.”
I got an ad for peak comedy
Save the Onion
This is America
1 Star for Autozone in Minneapolis
Hope they work.
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
found this on my uncles facebook😑
Facebook is a gold mine
Two Irish men walk out of a bar
Yes, it happens
Plus it being extremely cold out too…
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
I finally found out why Nurses Cary red crayons
Incase they have to Draw blood.
But look at the stock market?!
Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)
Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together. "Is this your first child?" says the older woman. "No," says the younger woman. "I have another." "I have three." Continues the older woman. "After the first kid, my husband was so sweet. He bought me a diamond necklace." "Oh, how nice." Said the young woman. "After the second, he bought me a new car. He said I deserve the best." "Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman. "And after the third, he bought us a new house. It was expensive, but he said his family was worth it." "Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman. "So, what has your husband gotten you?" "Well, we only have one child. After he was born, my husband thought I needed to clean up my language, so he got me lessons at charm school." "Is that so?" "Yes. Now instead of saying 'go fuck yourself,' I say 'oh, how nice'."
I finally quit the university geology department.
…just because I was the first person to discover a new crack I the earth's crust, everybody was acting like it's my fault.
kid no read these days
I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” He replied, “I don’t think you’re crazy. I like sausages too.”
"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Then it would be a foot.
Remember, having sex regularly is great for your memory!
Have an awesome 2016! ❤️
What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red.
Once i told a hammer joke
I nailed it.
That’s smocking gun to you.
How are you going to plant any flowers
If you haven’t botany?
Lowest of the low …
Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma?
There is no menu. You get what you deserve.
I call my horse Mayo.
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
Once upon a time…
A Sperm Donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
I was at a really emotional wedding today…
Even the cake was in tiers.
When boomers don’t understand emojis
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work………
I was gonna give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
The farmer and his wife needed a new bull…
There was a man who lived on a farm with his wife in the middle of nowhere. All they owned was a truck, a few cows, and an old bull. They didn't have much, but they were happy. One day, the farmer woke up and found that the bull had died. He went to his wife and said, "I take our money into the town and buy us a new bull. I know you need the truck here to keep the farm running, so when I get us a bull, I'll send you a telegraph so you know when to pick us up." His wife went and got the money and then said goodbye. The farmer arrived in town late that day and had to get a hotel room. The next morning he only had 401 dollars left. He went to the market and was able to buy a strong, young bull with the 400 dollars. It had been a long time since he had been to town, but as long as the telegraph prices hadn't gone up, he should be able to send a full sentence to his wife with his dollar. When he arrived at the post office, he said to the telegraph operator: "I need to send a message to my wife so she can pick up my bull and I. How much is a word?" "Prices went up a few years ago," replied the operator. "A word is 1 dollar." "Oh no," said the farmer "I can only send one word!" He thought for a little while and then said, "Ok, send my wife the word 'comfortable.'" "Comfortable? Are you sure?" asked the operator. "My wife has a 4th grade education," the farmer replied. "When she reads she has to sound each word out syllable by syllable. So when she sees the word comfortable, she'll read it as 'come-for-ta-bull.'"
I’m not sure if this passes for boomer-style humour but… TV bad.
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
I’d never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, “Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?” If not, don’t say it. I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, “Your chest is epic.”
bUT tAXAtiOn iS tHEfT!!!!!
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.
Being homeschooled sucks.
I love fun facts about Drump
I’ve gone and confused the words ‘Yakuza’ with ‘Jacuzzi’
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, their goalkeeper invited both of us to a party to celebrate.
It was the father, son, and the goalie host.
Gotta love dad jokes
Wife: I have something I need to tell you, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad. Wife: No you’re not.
My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister
It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?" The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small. "Um…barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs. Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help. A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!" The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup. Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl. He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey…I'm…Tom." She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking…" she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?" He glances back at the bar. "Yeah…sorry," he pants. "I wanted…to impress you, but…it turned out to be…a pretty cheesy…pig-cup line."
DEMOCRATS: ARE YOU BRAINLESS…
Happy New Year
A pirate walks into a bar.
His pants are open in the front, and there’s a steering wheel inside them. The bartender looks at him. “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” “Arrrrgh,” replies the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
How IT people see each other
Why don’t people from Alabama do reverse cowgirl? [NSFW]
Because they never turn their back on family
You know, I really do love bad puns.
It’s just how eye roll.
Haha very funny
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common. Kid loved it and I’m proud of the original content
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
(more like memeless quarter-of-sunday-and-monday today, starting a little earlier for administrative reasons).Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it isn’t on knowyourmeme and isn’t a quick edit of a template on kym, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!Questions can go in this thread today, in the future please send them through modmail.
Why should you never buy a dog from a blacksmith???
Because as soon as you take the dog home it makes a bolt for the door.
Spot the difference
Not 1, not 2 not even 3