Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
I replied “what’s wrong? you don’t like inside jokes?”
The answer was no.
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
Your pupils. They dilate.
Boob: I give milk to newborn babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. . . . . . . . . . Now it's your turn.
Install new lox.
"What?" she asked, confused. I said, "You asked me to describe myself in tree words."
Well actually it's more of a wrap.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
But nobody will do it.
I said "6' 2", but good guess."
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
Look for fresh prints
You have $400, your daughter text she needs $200, and your son text he needs $150. How much do you have left?
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages.
Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger
But then i turned myself around.
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.
Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.
They never meat.
Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
Now I can crunch numbers AND numb crunchers.
He got side burns.
I just can't seem to put it down.
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York City. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year"
"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."