Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate?
Because they have been extinct for millions of years.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
6:30 is my favorite time. Hands down.
No text found
What lies on its back 100 ft in the air?
A centipede
An officer asked me “Where did the hacker go?”
I replied, “he ransomware.”
A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor
He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground. The bartender bangs on the door and the guy's wife answers. "Here's your drunken bum of a husband," the bartender says The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?
It’s a dream job
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.
When you excel in life…
People start to spreadsheet about you. . . . . (I'll show myself out).
Why can’t you email a photo to a jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables… NSFW
No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to. I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says "Take it with me." I say "fuck it. I need a shower too". We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my dick. "Daddy, why is your pee pee so big?" And it hits me "Because I eat my vegetables." He's full on vegan now.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says…
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' … and she's always sound asleep."
Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money
I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
And you wonder why you’re stuck in the ER for 8 hours
And you wonder why you’re stuck in the ER for 8 hours
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
I made this fake boomer comic to mock people/boomers looking down on digital art
https://ift.tt/2JrUKmh
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: “For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…”
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.
One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. “Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma. A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works. 😀
Hey dad, how do you feel?
I feel with my hands. That was my dad’s go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich Me: sure Dad: (does magic hands) poof you’re a sandwich It’s almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.
any one who codes for games here ? i made a meme about it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUqYIzh3kAE
I said to my Jamaican date…”Leafy…Stalky…Branchy…”
"What?" she asked, confused. I said, "You asked me to describe myself in tree words."
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
I came up with my own dad joke a few weeks ago
My 14 year old daughter got up from the table after eating a bowl of cereal, so I told her to put the milk away. Then we had this exchange: "Before you put that back in the fridge, why don't you plug it into the iPhone charger on the counter first?" "What? What are you talking about?" "Yeah, you gotta charge up that milk. It's only at one percent!" I say it so often now that my kids stopped eating cereal, and have pretty much cut dairy from their diets.
I would hate to have a gay dad
I would rather have two
I found out why everyone is collecting TP
It’s because an asteroid might hit us next month. ….. and … paper always beats rock
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle
Why can’t chickens tell time properly?
They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.