WhY cAn’T yOu PrOtEsT pEaCeFuLlY as if no one had tried that
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing…
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks. The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano. “Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!” He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.” The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!” All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky. The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!” The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
I was going to tell a joke about Noble gases,
But I knew I'd get no reaction.
A bullet says he quit his job
He was actually fired
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
How do tree nuts usually end their prayers?
They said "Almond."
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan
It's like I have never seen herbivore
I Broke My Finger Last Week…
On the other hand, I’m okay.
When you die, which part of your body is the last to die?
Pupils. They dilate.
I met Mick and Keith backstage. I was rude but efficient.
I flipped two stones with one bird.
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes…. all the other guys were nines or tens”
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.
However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
A guy broke into my garage and stole my limbo pole last night…
Seriously, how low can you go?!
A girl killed a butterfly [Slightly NSFW]
Her father became mad and said "No butter for you" Later, the girl killed a honeybee, her father again became mad and said "No honey for you" The girl later killed a cockroach. Her father said "Nice try, this is Alabama" (Sorry, English is not my first language)
What exactly is Fat shaming?
Mass Awareness
My neighbor owes me $500 but won’t pay.
Lawyer: Do you have proof? Me: No L: Send him a bill for the $5000 he owes you. M: But it's only $500. L: Exactly, he will respond saying just that. And you will have proof.
A police officer stopped a car for speeding
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’ The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’ Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’ As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’ The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’ As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’ The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’ The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’ The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’ And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’ The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’
On what charge was the guy arrested for rearranging his dinner table?
Dish-orderly conduct.
A guy with a gun enters a bar, and asks “who the heck had sex with my wife ?!”
A guy in the back shouts "you don't have enough bullets"
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
https://ift.tt/2NoXPGg
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…
…then my illegal logging business is a success. This repost has been brought to you by r/ModMurder for the means of a challenge
A chinese kid asks his father: “Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?”
He replies: "I am not your dad"
NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents
They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Mom: That's it's trunk. Boy: No, further back. Mom: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along. The boy is still curious so he walks over to his dad. Boy: Dad, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Dad: That's its trunk. Boy: No, further back. Dad: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Dad: That's its penis. Boy: Oh, but Mom said it was nothing. Dad: Well, son, you have to realize that your mom is a little spoiled.
What do you call an evil Muslim?
Muhahahahahahammed
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.
It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Buhdum tiss
https://ift.tt/2KD8QSE
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”