Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
Source: my actual Dad.
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
What is a tree’s favorite app?
Sapchat
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
Itโs his altar ego.
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
My teacher asked me how I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p Full Screen HD wasn't the right answer.
What gender is google?
Female, she doesnโt let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
Why do chicken coupes have 2 doors and not 4?
http://bit.ly/2ECQ4Zh
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
What did one Italian say to another when fighting?
โYou wanna pizza me?โ
A kid asks his mom, “How was I born?”
The mother replies, "Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. After a while the plant had a sweet aromatic bud. We took the bud and smoked them and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born."
I seen this while scrolling through Facebook and i think the big noses qualify enough.
https://ift.tt/2WVozS1
How many lightning bugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.
A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride…
The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers. Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons." JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger, "Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?" "Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob. "Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep" JimBob considers for a moment, then says "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass – The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea." "Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
George Floyd, autopsy: โHe didnโt die from asphyxiation or strangulation.โ
https://ift.tt/2TVhosr
Two artists had an art contest. How did it end?
It ended in a draw.
When I was younger I threw a boomerang and it went super far and out of sight. I always wondered where it went
and then it hit me (i posted this in r/dadjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.
Samsung know I once bought one of their phones but they’re a bit sketchy on the details.
https://ift.tt/2ZvIt7n
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
I saw two guys walking around in same outfit with their dog, so I ask them if they were gay.
Those faggots arrested me.
A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him
"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction. The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasant disrespecting you? Aren't you the king of the jungle? Do something…", "Just ignore him" says the lion "he's just a stupid monkey that isn't worth our time". "Yesterday I fucked your wife reaaaal good and she liked it!" shouted the monkey. "That's it" said the lioness "I'll teach him a lesson and then we'll have a serious talk about self respect" and went after the monkey who started swinging from a tree to the next. The lioness kept running after the monkey, he swings to the left, she goes left, he swings to the right she goes right, and suddenly the monkey missed the branch by a bit and felt on the ground below a hole made of the tree roots. "gotchu" said the lioness as she pounced towards the monkey, who actually was waiting for this to happen, his small size allowed him to get through the hole, while the lioness got stuck. He swung behind her, and fucked her to his heart's content with a dirty smile on his face. That evening the lioness retuned to her home silent, and when she saw the lion she said "you were right, I shouldn't had let that peasant's taunting get to me"… The lion hugged her understandingly and said "yeaaaah, you too got stuck in the roots didn't you? "
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was joking…
…and then I saw her face…
My grief counsellor died the other day..
But he was so good I didnโt give a shit.
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
I know alot of jokes about unemployed people.
but none of them work.
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.
Yeah me too.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent
If youโre complaining about protesting, that right also came from protesting
https://ift.tt/2A4ooNf
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
There rabbit takes a look around the joint and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath…
…but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath…
A 3-month pregnant woman into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and theyโre fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no! Not my brother! Heโs an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Oh, well thatโs not so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
[NSFW] Wonder Woman is laying naked, face down, on a rooftop…
…when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened." So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off. Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, โExcuse my French!โ after a swear word…
Iโll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…