Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
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What is 6.9?
Another great thing ruined by a period.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What car do you drive in fall?
Autumn-mobile
-Tips fedora at mosquito-
M’laria!
I can’t see an end, have no control and don’t think there’s any escape! I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard!!
I just learned that a friend of mine who had a stutter died in jail
He didn't even complete his sentence
How do we know that atoms are Catholic?
Because they have mass
When is a car no longer a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
Doctor: “Alright, it looks like we’re ready to deliver the baby.”
Me: “Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver.”
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches…
It doesn’t. It poops on my floor.
What do you call a flirty philosoper?
A Socra-tease
A pregnant woman hobbles painfully into the hospital with one hand on her back. A nurse rushes over to her and asks her what’s wrong, but the woman just shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!” The nurse shakes her head and says, “Sorry, I don’t understand!” The woman screams, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!”
The nurse is really confused and turns to a doctor who says, “Admit her immediately!! She’s having contractions!!”
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped.
It’s his worst fear – hare loss.
Atheism,
It’s a non-prophet organization.
I didn’t always want a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card..
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "You know, one would have been enough."
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
The barkeep says, “Sorry, we don’t serve time-travelers here”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I wasn’t sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again…
Stranger Things have happened.
My wife thought I wouldn’t be stupid enough to give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
I always knock on the fridge door…
You never know when there may be a salad dressing.
A Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?
Salty Crackers.
My Dad just hit me with this one
A song came on on the speakers and I asked "Is this green Day?" He replied "No, it's valentine's Day"
“How many digits of pi do you know?” – “All of them…
I just always forget the order!”
A little boy and his father visited the country store, and upon leaving the store, the owner of the store offered the little boy some free Sweets…
“grab a hand full of Sweets", the merchant said to the boy. The boy just stood there looking up at his father. The owner repeated himself:- “Son get a hand full of Sweets… it’s free.” Again the boy did not move, continuing to look up in the face of his father. Finally the father reached into the candy jar and got a hand full of Sweets and gave it to his son. As they walked back home, the father stopped and asked his son why he did not grab a hand full of the free candy. The boy with a big smile on his face looked into the face of his father and said:- "Because I know that your hand is bigger than mine".
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry…
In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank, where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.
The easiest abortion I’ve ever performed was on a stripper.
It was like taking a baby from Candy.
Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
Well, that was a trip down memory lane.
What’s a priest’s favorite type of video game?
Early-access
My wife asked me if I want a handjob or regular sex
I : handjob definitely . She(surprised) : why is that? I : because one in the hand is worth two in the bush