Why couldn’t Peter Pan ever be a comedian?
Because his jokes Neverland 😀
I put the wrong socks on this morning
You could view the cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a big time spoiler….
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
it's a naan stick pan
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said: 'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.' 'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile. The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student at the exams. At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: 'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?' 'The gold.' 'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.' 'Everyone would choose what they don't have,' says the student. The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: 'Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!'
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
The results speak for themselves…
A jolly rancher.
How do you ruin a joke?
Would that make the people who enjoy my music “Ceiling Fans”?
To raise some dough
Him: will you remember me in 5 years? Me: yes Him: will you remember me in 10 years? Me: yea Him: knock knock Me: who’s there Him: you forgot me already??
Because then it would be a foot.
It marked the first time he's passed in years.
It’s a small scale operation.
It has an ex axis and a why axis. Edit: Thanks for the silver!!
There's a steep learning curve.
You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.
It had a reptile dysfunction.
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
That kid didn't help at all.
The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”
Until knight fall.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man ” is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn’t matter who he or she will be”. So the man leaves the church and walks away
After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have me for just 20€? Who do you think I am? You'll need at least 100€." she says. The man is confused so he responds "I'm sorry, surely there has been a misunderstanding, the priest of the nearby church told me to give you 20€". She replays "now I see… listen to me darling, he pays 20 € because he is a loyal customer! But he can't send all his friend here expecting me to make discount for everyone! " P. S. I'm sorry for my very bad English :p
he said he's an eighth theist
A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90. In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955. In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see that the shoe shop was still in business and is still at the same location. The man enters the shop and starts talking to the owner. The owner explains that he is, in fact, the grandson of the original owner and has worked in the shop all his life. The man gives the ticket to the shop owner and he heads into the back of the shop just to see if the shoes are still there. After some time he returns from the back of the and exclaims "Amazingly I was able to find the shoes! They will be ready on Monday."
A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”
Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife” First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?” Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”
I don’t know, he ransomware