Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack
They didn't like me critter sizing.
There isn't a home page
it's not hard…
My son's shitty drawing of a snake
I said "whatever floats your boat mate" He said "No, thats buoyancy"
A snail slides into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed…
He slaps the roof of one and says, "This is the last one that’s built for speed." The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say, ‘look at that S car go!’”
To cover there butt Quacks! Straight from my ten year old…. I’m so proud.
and then it just clicked
Her name is Dee.
He really gets a kick out of it.
I should have gone to Wendy's instead.
That’s Swede of you
When behind him he hears: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER FASTER BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him. However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and… The coffin stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
They were watch dogs.
Should get a nobell prize
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going,he replies, “I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.
I told her this isn’t working out
She seemed surprised
He’s a giant banner after all.
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?” The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
Because they're always stuffed.
Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.