Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"
He never lands.
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that dogs cannot get Covid-19. Dogs can be released from quarantine.
So now we know “WHO let the dogs out"
Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat. [EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum Wow, thanks for the support guys
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Or at least that's what I read in her diary
When the punch line becomes a-parent
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
she was a neck-romancer
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ”I’m fucked…”, but a voice in the back of his head says: ”Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!”
''What?! Why?'' – thinks the cowboy. ''Just kill the chief!'' – says the voice. The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief. As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''Now you're fucked…''
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
50 cent ft. Nickelback
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
kinda like yo mamma.
My kids are upset about that decision.
…you need to let that mango
Because the meat was Chewie.
The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
They're all girls, otherwise they'd be uncles.
Nice lady, terrible surgeon.
They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes
“I don’t know we never measure it”
Especially because his name’s Steve.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
His hand caught fire
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." "Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one. At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.
We’ll see about that…
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.