Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks.
(Made up by my 10 year old.)
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…
Why couldn’t the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
What’s the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
Corona is taking “viral marketing” too literally
The new campaign is a killer
I can eat sugar with either hand…
I'm ambidextrose!
What’s the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?
Please answer quickly
What animal can jump higher than a mountain?
All of them, mountains can't jump.
What is a porn stars favourite drink?
7-up in cider
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning…
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
Don’t make fun of fat people with lisps…
They're thick and tired of it
I logged into Facebook the other day and got a message saying “We value your privacy.”
Well I know that. How else could you sell it?
How can you get the attention of a pervert?
Mark the post with an NSFW tag
My grocery store had a great deal on baked sweets today
It’s really been a great cake day
A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.
He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems." Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?" The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended." The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside." The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence." The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives. The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."
My mom gave me this mug as a going off to college present. Got called out by my textbook…
https://ift.tt/2VUSutr
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
https://ift.tt/2WLlJPk
You shouldn’t see any horror movie today
It May, Fri 10 you
Donald Trump asks the Queen the advice
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
TIL Mr. T’s grandmother was a pirate…
Her name was Mae T
I heard a rumor about butter. . .
But I don't want to spread it.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
You can’t breathe through your nose when you’re smiling
Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile
A woman was sitting at her dead husband’s funeral.
A man leans toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go ahead," replies the woman. The man stands, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora," then sits back down. "Thanks," says the woman, "that means a lot."
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thank you." I said, "Don't mention it."
My Brother’s wedding was very emotional…
Even the cake was in tiers.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill. "$3", says the bartender. The man just for fun goes on and places $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up. This happened for 3-4 days and everyday the bartender felt humiliated. Next time, he orders a beer but couldn't find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table. Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says, "Go on, collect your change". The man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says, "One more beer please."
What do you call a cow with…
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with one leg? Stake. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri-tip. What do you call a cow with four legs? A cow. What do you call a cow with five legs? Chernobull.