Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks.
(Made up by my 10 year old.)
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn’t putting in enough shifts
I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.
Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.
I just saw the worlds biggest pair of glasses
It was quite the spectacle
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc. “There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; “What’s for dinner honey?” No answer. He moves closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still no answer. He moves even closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. “What’s for dinner honey?” “FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
My 3 year old’s first joke
What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes
I accidentally joined an organization…
I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization. When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
My town’s population never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
What do young male Spanish cows call each other?
Moo-chachos.
Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. “
Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think I’m being stalked.
I tried to donate blood today… NEVER AGAIN!
So many questions, Who's blood is that? How did you get it? Was the bucket even sanitized before you filled it with blood.
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
Why do nurses need red crayons?
Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with your point of view..
But I can see where you are coming from.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
Remains to be seen!
How do you know so many dad jokes?
I have a dad-a-base.
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
What goes with the Coronavirus?
Lyme Disease
Bad knock-knock joke #4
Knock knock. Who’s there? Amish. Amish who? You're not a shoe, you freaking idiot.
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
If a woman sleeps with ten men she’s a slut.
But if a man does the same thing, he’s gay. Like really gay.
I was at the grocery store, confused about how much lettuce to buy. So I called my wife for advice.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
I hate people who take drugs
For example, border security.
It’s crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days…
One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
He tells the bartender one beer please and one for the road