Why couldn’t the tree solve the riddle?
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
I want to dedicate this Dad joke to my father, who is a roofer.
So Dad, if you are up there…
What do u call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people in line behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
Some motherfucker took a shit
When I got home from work I found two turds in my toilet. I know for a fact when I left there were three.
I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Safety. Remember that safety always comes first.
I found a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
The first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France
They were cooked in Greece
If you’re surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide
Imagine how surprised he must have been.
This joke only makes sense if you follow rugby:
A Scotsman walked into a bar. There'd normally be an Englishman, Irishman, and a Welshman as well, but they're still in Japan for the Rugby World Cup.
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
That shit was nuts!
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad : No, it doesn’t.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
I have the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, “Did you hear what I just said?!”
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
What’s the definition of irony?
My neighbour's "No Tespassin" sign.
Presidents
Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents: – We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits – saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud … – Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, but you know, everybody! – Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little … we swear at Trump, but in a whisper … we throw at him … but in front of our TVs … – Well, I exaggerated a bit as well … We really urinate, but we don't put our pants down … [Now: not a native speaker, so mistakes should be overlooked, of course, I hope it's not a repost]
There are are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don`t
I’m deathly afraid of elevators.
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
A lot of puns
I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me. I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me. Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now. I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me. I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue. I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Nope. Unintended. Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks
After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country you fucking towelhead"
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I made a belt out of watches once,
It was a waist of time.
Einstein sits next to a man on a long flight.
Einstein says,"Let's play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". The man agrees and the game proceeds. Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?” The man doesn't say a word. He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out $5. He then asks Einstein, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs, but comes down on 4?” Einstein thinks about it for a long time, but fails to answer the question. After almost an hour, he gives the man $500. An irritated Einstein then asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill on 3 legs and comes down on 4?”. The man reaches into his pocket and gives Einstein $5.
Some may find it funny, some may find it sad. I make all of these out of dead rats!
https://ift.tt/2W2uLri
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas it costs $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
