Why did EA cross the road?
Buy the DLC to find out
I busted a nut
https://imgur.com/gallery/7muPMMy
While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
“I heard you slept with my woman,” said this guy in the pub.
"You've got the wrong person," I replied. "So you didn't sleep with her?" "No, I did. I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."
A photon checks into a hotel.
The bellhop asks: "Hello, can i help with your luggage?" "Oh thanks, no need, i am travelling light."
Atheism and Religion are two sides of the same coin.
One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.
Stolen off of r/memes. Go support the original poster. I’ll put his account in the comments
https://ift.tt/2WYsJdm
What is the sheeps favorite movie?
Baaaaaack to the future
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
Pronounciation is important…
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return
I wouldn’t recommend becoming an escapologist.
I can't get out.
This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it?
That's the spirit.
Justice is best served cold
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Started reading a book in brail
Something terrible is about to happen I can feel it
Politicians are like sperm
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood
Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.
It’s f*cking close to water.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
“Aye, matey”
My wife said if this post gets 2000 upvotes, she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on a business trip until Monday.
Wouldn’t it be ironic if Trump was brought down
By a virus from China , named after a Mexican beer?
I showed my lawyer the damaged remains of my bag and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”
Before I became a dad, I was truly concerned that I wouldn’t know how to be a good father
Thankfully, turns out it's in my blood. I come from a long line of Fathers.
What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job
Did you hear about the mathematician that was afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet because it’s a sobering reminder of why…
…there's never any money in there.
I tried to think of a good Star Wars pun
But it just felt Forced.
My Dad made the best (or worst) Dad joke at our Christmas Dinner
Cousin: I really want a dog this year. Wife: What kind do you want? Cousin: I’m really wanting a poodle. My Dad: Just wait until it rains. There will be plenty of “poudles” around. Everyone else : 🙄
3 guys end up at the pearly gates…
St. Peter asks the first guy if/how many times he had cheated on his wife. He answers twice. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Honda Civic. The second guy gets asked the same question and he responds once. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Harley Davidson. The third guy gets asked the same question as the first two people and responds never. St. Peter says, “Good job staying faithful,” and hands him the keys to a Rolls Royce. A little while later while riding the streets of Heaven the first guy in the Honda Civic rolls by the third guy in the Rolls Royce. The first guy notices the third guy crying and asks, “Why are you crying, you are enjoying your after life in a Rolls Royce, while I am stuck in a Honda Civic.” The third guy responds, “I am crying because I saw my wife, she was on a skateboard.”
At any given moment, the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”…
…is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you’re smiling?
Haha, I made you smile.
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
Have I discovered the only boomer comic that doesn’t shame millennials/zoomers?
https://ift.tt/2u1Pst7