Why did miss piggie break off their engagement?
She was afraid of kermitment
Kobe Bryant’s death was an important and historic occasion.
It marked the first time he's passed in years.
I made a chicken salad today.
Stupid bird wasn’t even grateful.
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
What do you call a fight between a Martian and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
I asked a young pretty homeless woman if I could take her home?
She smiled and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.
Sexual position of the day
The Brexit – you promise to pull out but you don’t
There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.
When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said: "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off. Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him. After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the newspaper this morning, I farted and my whole house blew up!"
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
Bindi Irwin got married!
That's a ray of hope!
A kid asks his mom, “How was I born?”
The mother replies, "Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. After a while the plant had a sweet aromatic bud. We took the bud and smoked them and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born."
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
My wife said I had no sense of direction…
So I packed my bag and right
A boob, a vagina, and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.
Boob: I give milk to newborn babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. . . . . . . . . . Now it's your turn.
There are 3 genders
Male Female IMAGINATION
How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?
A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.
As a doctor, I hate making jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m thinking of giving it a shot.
The opposite of isolate is
yousoearly.
A german was peeing in a street in New York…
… and a lady looks at him and says: 'Gross.' To which the German replies: 'Danke!'
We should’ve known communism would fail.
There were so many red flags.
A nice change of pace from all the other times I’ve been fucked because of assembly
https://ift.tt/2X1nWIu
Did they send me fathers?
When I asked for nuns?
I walked in on my boss vigorously masturbating
He told me to stop masturbating and get the hell out of his office
After work, I volunteer to help blind children.
Btw – Verb, not Adjective
My friend, Eric, started using a phrase that I invented for referring to an Indian perennial herb.
I said, "That's my term, Eric."