Why did no one in the King’s court laugh when the king farted?
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
That seems to be the criteria
It’s always his fault
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
Dad…I have an imaginary girlfriend
His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?” “Thanks dad. That means a lot.” “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”
Facebook was quaking when this was posted
I miss you
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
*Angry newton noises*
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot… do you want to *fuck us*?'”
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots… to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"
The mathematics of the universe is truly exquisite
Aloe Vera can’t fix that
We’re finally great again
¿Que? ¿Como? ¿Porque? ¿Donde?
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
My favorite time of the day is 6:30
Two days ago, I wanted to play hide and seek with kids but couldn’t
Good players are hard to find.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey… a deal's a deal.
Why did the blond put lipstick on her fourhead?
Because she wanted to make her mind.
A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar
But everyone’s cool about it and he’s served his drink. Then, after a few minutes he says, “Hey, bartender; wanna hear a blonde joke?” The place goes dead still. Finally the bartender says, “Look, mister, I know you’re visually challenged and all; I’m gonna cut you some slack. But there’s a few things you should know. “Sitting next to you, on your right, there’s an off-duty cop. She’s armed, and she’s a blonde. On your left you got a martial arts expert with black belts in seven different disciplines. She’s a blonde. At the table behind you, two sisters: a professional wrestling team. Both are blondes. And me, I got a .357 Magnum under the counter. I’m licensed, trained, and it’s loaded. And, you guessed it: I’m a blonde. “So I want you to choose your words carefully before you answer this question: do you still want to tell that blonde joke?” “Aw hell no. Not if I have to explain it five times!”
I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman’s body.
Then I was born.
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmation.
It was the least I could do for him.
What do you call a chubby midget?
you gotta do … what you gotta do!
Hope we all find it
The more you know.
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
The people at the bottom are the economy
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme…
Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have have two dollars AT LEAST. And the guy above me? He’s got tons of dollars.
So VSCode has a lot of faith in my abilities.
Just a thought
While most puns make me feel numb…
…Math puns make me feel number.
They are both experts in their respective fields
“Millenniums will not understand…”
and don’t forget that Dr.Trump wanted to nuke Hurricanes
Levels of interpretation… (pharmacists are eccentric)
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
But then I turned myself around.
Don’t miss the on the foot
Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg
… you can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
No one in this administration is capable of telling the truth.
What’s tiny and can be found on the beach?
xi jinping has coronavirus
He is now called winnie the flu
Fifty codes of life
The faces just sum it up
But it runs
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED
G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
A quintessential boomer comic
I finally quit the university geology department.
…just because I was the first person to discover a new crack I the earth's crust, everybody was acting like it's my fault.
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
Luna is still a latin word for moon, so still counts
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut
Why did the bee get married?
Because he found his honey.
Trump is a weak man’s idea of a strong man.
I have got a phd in quantum computing
We stay strapped
What did the ghost say to the bartender when he entered the bar?
"I'm just here for the boos."
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Can I get asian supreme please…?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?"
Don’t be sarcastic with a kleptomaniac.
They take everything literally