Why did seven eat nine?
Because you should have three square meals a day!
An IRL dad joke
My dad and I are going out tonight and I asked if he could pick me up. He said "I think so – I've been working out!"
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
What’s the difference between the swine flu and the bird flu?
One requires oinkment, and the other requires tweetment.
I think I might be turning into a beach…
But I'm still not 100% shore
16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
No text found
What’s dark humor?
A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?" "See that disabled man over there?" She says "But mom, I'm blind" "Exactly, honey"
So there’s a deaf accountant who works for the mafia.
One day, the kingpin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator. "Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the kingpin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars missing, the boss wants to know where it is" Deaf man signs over to the translator, "What? I have no idea what he's talking about" The translator says to the boss, "Boss, he says he doesn't know what you're talking about". Boss says to the translator "I'm gonna ask one more time. Where is the money?" The translator says to the deaf accountant, "He's asking one more time, where's the money?" Deaf man reiterates to the translator through the sign, "Seriously, I don't know what he's talking about!" The translator says to the Boss, "He says he seriously doesn't know what you're talking about" The boss is now infuriated. He slams his fist down on the table and points a gun to the accountant's head. He tells the translator, "TELL THIS MOTHER FUCKER I WILL BLOW HIS BRAINS ALL OVER THIS DESK IF HE DOESN'T TELL ME WHERE THE MONEY IS RIGHT FUCKING NOW" Translator signs to the accountant "Ok he's dead serious. You better tell him where the money is, or he's going to kill you right here" Accountant signs to the translator, "OK! OK! I'll tell you! I hid it in a briefcase underneath my deck!" Mafia Boss asks, "Well, what did he say?!" Translator says, "Well, boss, he said go fuck yourself"
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have
My boss still didn’t think a spacesuit was “appropriate work attire”.
Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!" My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?" I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!" (This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways…)
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care.
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me…
She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?” I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover. I found it way more entertaining then she did.
What do you call a German virus?
A germ.
My son said he was going to read a book by the fire.
I said, "That's a weird name for an author."
Ace your next code interview and flex on your coworkers with this one simple trick!
https://ift.tt/32RuVTD
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.
Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.
As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two. “Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie. The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in this forest except for me were female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the forest except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a scooter, please.” The genie snaps his fingers and poof a little white scooter just the right size for the rabbit appears. The bear says, “Oh, oh, oh! If you can make all the bears in this forest female, then I want all the bears in this country but me to be female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all of the bears in that country except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a helmet.” The genie snaps his fingers and a little white helmet with ear holes appears on the seat of the scooter. The bear is really excited now. He leaps up and down and yells, “If you can make all the bears in this country female, then I wish all the bears in the world were female except me!!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the entire world except for this bear are female. The rabbit puts on his helmet and hops on the scooter. He looks at the genie, then at the bear, then back to the genie. He says, “I wish the bear was gay,” and drives off.
My friend charges £20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
I’m getting second thoughts about whether accepting this job was a good idea.
https://ift.tt/35ZRhV2
There was two windmills in a field
One asked the other “What type of music do you like?” The other replied “Well I’m a big metal fan”
My doctors name is Peter Parker.
But I just call him Web MD.
I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
What’s faster, cold or hot?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Sushi…
…the rolls-rice of Asian seafood.
Store cashier: “Sir, do you wanna box for these items?”
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
A paedophile goings into a florist and says “I’d like to order some flowers”
“Orchids?” asks the florist “No, just the flowers” he replied
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
I know someone who talks like an owl
No text found
A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.
"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks. "Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with. Still showing reservations, the woman asks, "What about the child's education?" "Not to worry," the couple assure her. "We have a full time tutor with years of experience that can provide our child with the finest education that money can buy." "I see," says the woman behind the desk. "But what about the child's health?" "We also have in our employ a full time nurse with a degree in pediatric medicine who will be able to attend to all of our child's needs." "Well, it certainly sounds like you've thought of everything. Were you looking to adopt a girl or a boy?" "Doesn't matter", the couple tell her. "As long as it fits in the cannon."
I’m a scientist doing research in bestiality.
Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab.
[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person…
…I was charged with impersonating a police officer.
Why does KFC not have toilet paper?
It's finger licking good
What do you do with an English prostitute
You give her a pound, then you give her a pound
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery?
Yep, people are just dying to get in there!