Why did the ‘A’ go to the bathroom and come out an ‘E’?
It had a vowel movement.
A man gets “I love you” tattooed on his penis.
He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend. She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".
Doctor, Doctor! I’m terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
Biggie knew he had to watch Diddy! That eye wasn’t cockeyed for nothing
Biggie knew he had to watch Diddy! That eye wasn’t cockeyed for nothing
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
I love the F5 key
It's so refreshing
Knock knock who’s there Doris Doris who
Doris locked that’s why I’m knocking
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded
I can Nazi
What’s the difference between a school and a compound?
I got no clue, I just fly the drone
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom
I almost choked on my own cock
After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.
Turns out her sister had it all along…
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
Why can’t you use “Beef stew” as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
I don’t know any dean jokes.
No text found
When a knight in Prague dons his armor…
…the Czech is in the mail.
I just made sure my son inherits our bathroom scale after I die.
Because where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have my contacts.
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors
How dense the population is How dense the population is
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling.
What do you call nun in heaven?
if you guessed "heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you are wrong. The answer is "nun of the above" !
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Frankly, your service provider.
My parents disapprove of my new job
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!
True story but funny.
While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it… tax dollars in action I guess. As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying" type screaming. I look around and see that this womans arm is on fire! She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air! The cops jump into action and put the fire out, then arrest and handcuff her! I think this is a bit harsh and that the woman should be going to the hospital, not jail so I ask one cop why are they arresting her. The cop replied, "For waving a firearm in public"
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
No potatoes.
The guys loitering on the street had been trolling this kid for a couple of years.
They'd hold out a nickle in one hand and a dime in the other and ask "Which one do you want? The nickle is bigger!" and the kid would always take the nickle. One day I took the kid aside and asked him "Don't you know the dime is worth twice as much?" He said "Yeah, but if I take the dime they won't ever do it again!"