Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
As a spanish speaking dude I really appreciate when people approach me and say “mucho”.
It means a lot to me.
i made this in under 2 minutes because i thought about it and needed it to be done
This fr a legit question
Wow, this sums up everything we have been told so far.
I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier
So going to the bathroom could spell disaster
Loomer comic from the 1960s.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey
But I turned myself around
“I want something like Facebook, but with…”
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Does it happens to you also?!
If cows don’t have Internet, how do they order things?
From a cattle log.
NASCAR with the third degree burn
Wife bad, virus good
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
Another day another stupid excel chart
What do you call cocaine for your butt?
My phone kept calling me Shirley this morning
I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.
Commenting code be like
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives…
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?
It’s a dream job
Got laid off today, boss hadn’t removed me from all chats, so I left on my own terms.
Wasn’t The Correct Colour.
A Blonde Joke
Two ladies, blonde and a brunette, meet up for lunch. The Brunette tells the blonde that she just had sex with a Brazilian. The Blonde excitedly exclaims, "Oh my god! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
I just ended a 5 year relationship
It’s ok though. Wasn’t my relationship.
My brother didn’t like jail
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in
Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. "WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" The wife runs to the fri- "CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!" At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs." The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.
Ah, at my grandmother’s house.
In a parallel universe
When my therapist ask me how I’m doing
What’s black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
To all the 3rd wheels
Zucc enjoys cookies too
Job requirements these days
Anyone else seeing pictures like this more and more?
Will you look at that, just found $30 trillion between the couch seats
Trump could easily stop his impeachment in the House
What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?
They don’t hang themselves. Happy Halloween
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
Uno, dos… poof. He disappeared without a tres.
On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.
One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and say "I'm not a doctor, but…
Me, in the corner just trying to remember the b=a^x formula.
This country may be on fire. And not in a good way
This is actually kinda wholesome
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?” She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.” Surprised, Guido reached for her and the fucking resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. It finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?” Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, “No.” Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, “You finish?? Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear… “No, I Norwegian.”
Learn from the best in the field
From and when nobody expects. Wish you have a good Friday!
We just don’t “understand”
My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom
I almost choked on my own cock
Scott Morrison visits residents of a fire ravaged town in Australia
Pepe memes are classics
Funny water memes related to science.
Should’ve known the toilet paper newspaper comics were coming
I was appalled when the waiter told me it’s ‘nacho cheese’
I said i paid for it, it IS my cheese.
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
Boomers can be wholesome too
That never stops
Healthcare in America (2020, colorized)
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
A book fell on my head.
I've only got my shelf to blame.
I asked my friend if he knew a pachyderm famous for its trunk. He suggested Dumbo.
But that was Ear-Elephant.
Shared by my German Teacher
Trump is a moron